Checking In

 All right.

So here we go. Back to work tomorrow. I made pretty good use of my 4 day vacation.

I'm getting my legs under me again. Getting back to the habits that make me feel good about myself, habits that build strength.

It's been a long stretch of wobbliness. But, like a Weeble, I wobble but I don't fall down. At least not yet, anyway.

Things got fluid in April and persisted in that vein until now. July. Fucking July. Time flies, motherfucker.

Work got harder because the guy I split the job with, quit. Good man. But the powers that be immediately began to apply pressure. "Joe - how would you like to work 5 days a week, 12 to 4?" Essentially asking me to give up my free time for a group of people who run screaming out the door every day at 4:00 o'clock no matter what.

If Jesus Christ himself walked into the office at 4:00 asking to apply for a plumbing permit, he would hear "Fuck You, Jesus", as he was getting knocked down by City Employees flying out the door at faster miles an hour.

The weight thing has become problematic. It is a real struggle thanks to hormone therapy. What I see in the mirror disgusts me. It hurts my mind, makes me feel bad and self-conscious about myself. But I am not giving up. Fuck this shit.

Had an encouraging golf lesson today. Last week I worked with a wedge and a 7 iron around the putting green. I SUCKED with the wedge - kept hitting ground balls. Pissed me off.

Today the golf pro took me out on the course to practice chipping shots onto the green with the wedge - and I had a good day. Popped a bunch of decent shots onto the green. Zero accuracy - but at least I got them up in the air and onto the green.

I am enjoying experiencing Carol in her retirement. 

Nobody believes that. I see that smirk on your fucking face. Truthfully it is hard for me when I beat myself up for being so stupid that I cannot afford to retire. And you all think I wish her harm & suffering, that my deepest, darkest wish is that she be forced to go back to work - at McDonald's.

Fuck you for believing that about me.

Her happiness makes me feel good. Injects penicillin into my bleeding heart. Know why?

Because I love her.

So that's it. A general check-in. I know you worry about me so I thought I'd bring you up to date.

Talk to you Saturday.