"Do I doubt or do I trust, will I burn out or will I rust, should I run or should I rest, hard to tell which is best, all I want to do is the next right thing, the next right thing, all I need from you, love and understanding.
I got to move, no time to lose, gonna hurt somebody no matter what I do, do I please them, do I please you, can't please 'em all but I'm always trying to, am I lucky or am I good, feel like I'm lost in my own neighborhood, am I cursed or am I blessed, is this the worst it ever gets or the best.
All I want to do, the next right thing, the next right thing, all I need from you, love and understanding, love and understanding"
The Next Right Thing, by Tommy Castro
Are you kidding me? I heard this song the other day and my head exploded. This is exactly where I am at in my life. Right fucking now.
I have had moments in my life - big moments - when I had the opportunity to change. Crossroads that opened up when something ended and choice was right in front of me.
I blew every single one of them.
I am on the verge of making a big decision - a big change. Something I absolutely have to do if I want to continue living. Because of where we are in life the potential side effects are massive.
I gotta do the next right thing, make the next right move - and its gotta be right for me and right for Carol.
I am nervous. But it cannot wait. If I drift into 2022 with things as they are, fate will take a sledgehammer to the side of my head and it will all be over.
I cannot talk about it yet because spies are everywhere. You will know when it happens.
But I am using this weekend as the springboard. By the time Monday morning rolls around I will have a plan in place.
Let's consider the lyrics to this song.
"All I need from you, love and understanding" - I have that, thank god. Without it I would be lost. A lot of women would have kicked me out decades ago, saying "You did not deliver as advertised, motherfucker - bait and switch. Get the fuck out."
Not Carol. At some point she had to realize that I was never going to be the successful biz-i-ness man who would provide for her a secure retirement. Beyond that she had to have realized that I am a lost soul with no clue how to negotiate life. How that did not scare her away is beyond me.
She has hung in there for 43 years waiting for this flower to bloom. It is time for me to make a right decision.
"Will I burn out or will I rust" - I feel like I have been rusting for the past 45 years and it leaves me uncomfortable, to say the least. Neil Young put this thought into my head in 1979 - "It's better to burn out than fade away" - and its been gnawing at me ever since. Thanks, Neil.
"I got to move, no time to lose" - Self-explantory
"Is this the worst it ever gets or the best" - You cannot help but ask yourself this at the stage of life I am in. And I do. Which prompts consideration of the cliche "Your best years are behind you" - I hate the expression but it is true more often than not.
My only hope in that regard comes from a perverse perspective. I have spent a lifetime underachieving. I have a short way to fall but a long way to rise. One never knows.................
I am acutely aware of the magnitude of the decision I have to make. I know for a fact it is one of those decisions. Crossroads time, baby. Again.
Have I learned anything?
No comments:
Post a Comment