The desk I sit at up here has pictures under plastic.
The way I positioned my laptop this morning left a picture exposed that I love.
Sarge, me and Kevin. My brother-in-law and my nephew. I am sandwiched in between.
Sarge died from cancer, Kevin committed suicide.
Why am I here and they are not?
A question like that can never be answered.
For some reason the picture is getting to me as I continue to look at it. Bumming me out a bit. Even though I look at it frequently. A lot of times I just smile. Today I feel heavy.
I was thinking about drinking recently. I have a lifelong and well documented relationship with alcohol, for which I do not apologize.
I like to party.
I had many drunken moments with Sarge and with Kevin, individually and together. Always a blast. I also had many quiet conversations with each of them - thoughtful, reflective, personal.
That's what makes the difference.
If all you do is get drunk and you have no substance, you are wasting your time. Don't get me wrong - I have wasted many a night with people like that and laughed a lot doing it. But there was always a sense of hollowness, of emptiness.
Sarge and Kevin were fully formed human beings, with hearts and minds and souls. Both insane and sensitive. That is a combination I cannot resist. It is a combination I worship.
I loved them both and miss them deeply.
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