I am trying so hard.
Since cancer I am determined to make my life as much my own as possible.
Hard to change habits, hard to shift perspective, hard to affect self-perception, but these are the things that must be done for me to wipe the slate clean and write my own honest and true story on it before it is too late.
I spent the entire morning chasing websites, researching writing related jobs, anything and everything I can do with words to make a little extra money, regardless of the cost to my soul.
I have been sitting in front of this computer since 9:30.
But it didn't feel right. It has not felt right since I made the decision to approach this in this way.
I have been looking into higher paying part time jobs that are no less soul sucking than the one I have.
But it hasn't felt right.
Got a text from Keith turning me on to a group named Pentatonix singing "Hallejulah" a capella.
Checked it out and almost lost it entirely.
My response was so strong it surprised me.
And I realized it wasn't just the fact that it is a Leonard Cohen song, it wasn't just the fact that Pentatonix did such a beautiful job performing the song, that they respected the emotion within it and the man who wrote it, it was everything that has been going on in my head since the night I found out I had cancer.
The song drew it out of me.
I respect Leonard Cohen because he figured out who he was and lived his life in a way that allowed him to express himself honestly and hopefully in a way that made him happy.
That commitment and awareness is what I am missing, what I have always been missing.
I sit here trolling websites day after day knowing in my heart that I am looking in the wrong places, that I am doing the wrong things.
The timing of Keith's text could not have been more perfect. After almost two hours of futilely looking for answers, for a way out, he turned me on to a performance that smashed me in the face with honesty and triggered an awareness in me I have been ignoring.
I am shattered right now. And in a little while I have to go do something so beneath me and so meaningless to me that five hours will feel like ten.
Just as I have done for my entire life.
So strange how life works, how an epiphany can result from an innocent or casual reference.
The catch is you gotta be open to it; ready to receive it or experience it.
I am a raw nerve right now.
I am in the right place.