Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Things He Longed To Know

He wondered, if you have a really sharp knife and you choose an exact spot, can violation of the flesh be almost effortless?

If you avoid bone, can stabbing someone be like slicing a pat of butter from your butter dish?

It would appear so. At least on the surface.

Can it be that easy? Nothing is that easy, right?

It would take some research to discern this but he was not afraid - he was a reader. He enjoyed looking things up.

It must be a satisfying sensation, assuming you choose the right victim. You really have to hate them.

You have to believe in your soul that you are doing the world a favor.

If there are any doubts at all, regret will consume you at just the wrong point - immediately after penetration.

And then it is too late. You can't just say "Oops, I'm sorry - I made a mistake. How can I make it right?"

It is doubtful the victim, assuming they survive, will just let it go. There are a lot of mistakes that can be forgiven in this life but stabbing is not one of them.

Of this he was fairly certain.

Then there is the eye contact thing. He wondered, first of all, if he would have the guts to look the victim in the eye as he perpetrated the awful sin.

He wanted to believe that was possible. Because he wanted to experience the brief moment between the recognition of being stabbed and the onset of pain. He wanted to see it.

There has to be a momentary lapse. An instant when the eyes are wide with shock and then suddenly squinting from unimaginable pain.

There should be a name for that moment. That void between a sudden grasp of an evil reality and the all consuming blanket of pain.

He couldn't come up with one, though. He wasn't that clever.

He liked to consider these things over a sophisticated merlot at night, alone, in the dark, where his life made the most sense.

But sometimes the thoughts bled over into the following morning.

He didn't like this. They seemed more sinister in the light of day. More real.

Today was one of those days. Fortunately he had no time to dwell. Had to get to work.

He loved his job as a career counselor at the local high school.

Loved that he could take students' vulnerability and steer them in the right direction.

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