Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Better Get Your Shit Together, Children

Remember when I waxed eloquent about the Memorial Day weekend? What I forgot to do was to issue you a warning.

Memorial Day weekend rolls around and you come alive. Yeah, baby - summer is here and the living is easy.

In a way that is deceptive because other than those three days your life doesn't change that much. Still gotta get up and go to work, worry about paying the fucking bills, go food shopping, make dump runs; you know, same old same old.

Still, the weather is better, you don't have to shovel snow or scrape ice off your windshield, so I guess life is a little easier.

Problem is, life moves faster miles an hour when summer hits. And it doesn't help that weather can be such a ball buster.

April sucked. Right? But what the hell, April has a right to suck. April is like a non month. It shouldn't even fucking exist. It is unpredictable and is often cold and rainy.

April showers bring May flowers my ass. April showers bring May showers - and more cold.

May sucked too. Right? Lots of cold, lots of rain.

AND FUCKING JUNE SUCKED TOO. For the most part. I believe I read that the average temperature in June was 88 degrees below normal. For Christ sake, I had yesterday off, I have today off - and both mornings when I came downstairs I had to turn the heat on.

Are you fucking kidding me? On June 26 and June 27 I had to turn the heat on?

Do NOT tell Carol. Carol has a weird thought process that says you don't turn the heat on in June, July, August - even if you wake up to 23 degrees. Like yesterday and today.

I have a weird thought process that says I refuse to be cold in my own fucking house - ever.

So I am sitting there yesterday and today, with the heat turned on and a blanket on my lap as I read.

That ain't right.

Here's my point. We are staring down the barrel at the approach of the July 4th weekend. You better put the pedal to the metal, baby.

Because there is exactly one half of a second between July 4th and the Labor Day weekend. That time will fly by so fucking fast that you will feel like you did one of those Star Wars time warp jump thingys.

Better hit the ground running, baby and you better start today. Tumble kicking, screaming and laughing into the July 4th weekend. Crazy go nuts.

'Cause you gotta make hay while the sun shines. Recent history supports the theory that summer doesn't really begin until July and it tends to extend through September now. That's just the way it is.

So you better be ready.

Make your plans, dream your dreams, think big and go after it. Because if you don't, when it starts snowing late in September you will be consumed by so much regret that you'll wish you were dead.

If you don't have the money to go after the fun you want, go out and get it. A quick drug deal can often finance an entire summer's fun.

If you are like me, summer is it. There ain't nuthin' else. So you are morally obligated to squeeze as much fun and happiness into those two months plus one (September doesn't qualify as summer even though the weather hints otherwise - September is month 1 of winter, baby) as is humanly possible.

I am so lucky to be in the situation I am in right now. Plenty of time off to enjoy, plenty of time off to plan. Christ, I even like my job, which makes things so much easier. I am working on July 1 and July 3, maybe even July 2 and I don't even care. Used to be I would be suicidal having to work a holiday weekend.

Not anymore. I will do what I have to do and I will still squeeze in some summer fun.

Consider yourself warned. I am a sage. I am a prophet. Your life will improve immediately when you finally decide to follow the word of The Joe.

Let's meet on September 30 over a high end whiskey or two and reminisce about the great fun we had this summer.

I expect thrilling stories. Don't let me down.

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