Dadness

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a dad.

More so this year than usual, for obvious reasons.

The Michael Jordan thing got me going. The man is a basketball god. Tough, smart, successful, respected. Self-confident to the nth degree.

And yet he leaned on and relied on his dad for inspiration, for guidance. For his knowledge and opinions. They had a close relationship.

That really got to me. You would think Jordan wouldn't need anybody. Especially as an adult. But he needed his dad. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

This dad thing is the real deal. It is intense. It gives a life meaning. I have said a million times that being a dad is the greatest achievement of my life. The best thing I ever did with my life.

Bob Dylan. Tangled Up In Blue. "All the people we used to know, they're an illusion to me now. Some are mathematicians, some are carpenter's wives. Don't know how it all got started. I don't know what they do with their lives".

That last line haunts me. Always has. Because most of us don't do anything with our lives. We drift through it and end it with regrets. That's how I feel about my life.

Except for being a dad. I did that. I threw myself into it. I gave all my love to Keith and Craig, I laughed with them, I paid them attention, I played with them, I read to them. Being a dad was a blast. Still is.

It took me out of my life on a daily basis when I got home from work and catapulted me into a perfect world. What an escape. What a relief. What a joy.

What I am about to say is something I have put off for many years in here. I never felt comfortable putting this truth into words. But I am feeling raw right now. I want to get to a place where I am truthful all the time.

I go out for beers with Keith. I go to the movies with Craig. Every time I do, I get nervous. Nervous about being with my own sons. Isn't that sick? And it affects the night because many times I am too nervous to just be myself.

Here's why. When they were young I was a great dad. Spectacular. Since they became adults I am not so sure I set much of an example. I am not happy. I have done little to rectify that. I think maybe I come across as weak. So I am self conscious around them. I honestly think they have more fun with my brother. Ed is a funny guy.

I am a funny guy in my own way, but it doesn't translate because of the nervousness. The self consciousness.

Fucked up stuff but I am working on it.

The ultimate truth is that Keith and Craig are the most intense source of joy in my life. I never take them for granted. Never. Whenever I am with them there is always some moment where I quietly think to myself "these are my sons".

The word son is sacred to me. I cannot adequately put into words what it means to me. To say they are the most intense source of joy in my life is an understatement. It is more than that. It is tied up with my heart and my soul and is inexpressible.

I am proud of the dad I have been.

I am proud of who my sons are.