Life (66 years in)

Pandemic. Racial protests.

What is happening right now is so surreal. Anytime I am not occupied, I am uncomfortable. This is strange territory and I don't know what to expect. I don't want to watch the news but I am drawn to it.

I wish I was 26 instead of 66 so I could have hope that at some point I could enjoy life again. I suspect that the world will remain fucked up well into my old age.

That likelihood pisses me off.

I am furious that our lives can be endangered by incompetent and cold-hearted "leaders". Their sole job is to protect us. Not kill us. I strongly believe they should be prosecuted. For murder. For destroying the economy. For mismanagement of our lives.

I am even more pissed off that these motherfuckers are rich, that the pandemic and the destroyed economy cannot touch them. Fuck them. I hate them for not caring about us.

I feel like Covid-19 is lurking out there, stalking us. We have not beaten this thing. Pandemics have a nasty way of coming around again.

I am watching the protests sparked by George Floyd's death and am blown away. We have been here before.

My generation lived through violent protests, death, assassinations, riots. Saw it on TV every night. Protests against Viet Nam, corporate greed, the corruption of the government.

And racial prejudice. Especially racial prejudice.

We are going through it again because it never went away. The hatred and stupidity never went away.

I am taking a different approach this time. I am allowing myself to be hopeful that this time around things will change.

It feels different to me. People are speaking bluntly this time, just laying it all on the line. Blacks, whites, everybody. I am stunned every day by what I hear because you don't often get the truth in uncomfortable situations. I like it. It feels real. And the protests are not going away. That is a good sign. Some change is already happening. That is a good sign.

I got fooled when President Obama was elected. My optimism lasted 18 seconds until I saw him hung in effigy all around the country. I am allowing myself to hope again.

I have lived through some weird fucking shit, man. You cannot even imagine what it is like to live through assassinations. JFK, RFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Lee Harvey Oswald. They replayed them on TV. You could watch them. Sometimes you even caught them live. Students killed at Kent State. Riots at the 68 democratic national convention. Double digit inflation. Odd-even gas rationing - if the last digit of your license plate was odd you could only get gas on odd numbered days. And you still had to wait in line.

And now this. A pandemic. And racial protests.

I don't know what to expect from the coronavirus. It is bizarre; it is frightening. Just gotta keep your head down and pray. Fucking weird, disorienting shit.

I don't know what will come of the racial protests. Hopefully change. It is a tall order after 400 years of consciously abusing an entire race. But I am hopeful. I am also keeping a close eye on things.

I am definitely approaching the end of my life. No way around it. I don't want to deal with a pandemic and a country filled with hatred and violence. I can think of better scenarios from which to make my exit.

But, as I have described to you, life is a weird, unforgiving motherfucker.

You gotta play the hand that's dealt you.