I Just Want To Win

I just want to win.

That's what my life has boiled down to. I want to win. At something.

The way I see it the only thing I have won in my life is the family lottery. Carol, Keith, Craig.

Stunningly lucky there.

The rest of my life has been substandard, boring and unfulfilling. I am as empty as a human being can get.

I get up to no purpose; when I have to work I am filled with anger and embarrassment, when I look at our bank account I am reminded of how badly I blew it.

So I want to win. At something. 

I guess that something will have to be full retirement. I don't have my sights set on anything else because I cannot imagine accomplishing anything meaningful and satisfying with the short time I have left.

You are spitting in my face. You are saying "It's never too late". That's cute and hopeful but not realistic.

At some point in your life cliches fall away and leave you looking into the mirror in the light of day.

It's never pretty.

If our plan succeeds we will dump this house and the fucking never-ending mortgage sometime in 2021.

Been paying for this house since 1986. Think about that. 34 fucking years. With many more to go. 

If all had gone well the mortgage would have been paid off in 2001. It was originally a 15 year mortgage. My family hates it when I wallow in these details but I just can't let it go. If we had no mortgage payment for the last 19 years we would have had money in the bank. A natural retirement plan, so to speak.

Instead we bought that fucking business, failed, and had to refinance the house because we were delinquent in payments. This happened in 1998. We were three years away from freedom. Three fucking years.

But I digress. We sell the house in 2021, buy a condo/mobile home/something outright and voila we are home free.

Doesn't seem like much of a goal when I put it into writing. Not much of an epitaph. Seems like I should have done more with my life. Make some kind of mark.

That's the conflict. I say there is nothing else but I truly want there to be something else. That tiny voice in my head harps away saying "Come on, Joe - you are a smart guy. You can still do something with your life. Figure it out, motherfucker".

Don't really know what my reality is. It is a bit warped.

I just want to win.

At something.