Crime Against Humanity

Watching a movie recently.

A character was reflecting upon his life and arrived at the conclusion that despite wrong turns and bad decisions it was possible that he was "exactly where he was supposed to be."

This is not a novel idea, but for some reason that night those words knocked me to the floor.

What if that philosophy applies to me?

I put a great deal of effort into bemoaning my existence; I let it depress me, fill me with anxiety, waste my days and nights and decades - because I believe I can be a lot more than I am. I feel like I blew it. I believe I am living someone else's life.

Maybe I am actually living my life and just don't know it.

If that is true I have wasted a great deal of time.

It would be much healthier for me if I just accept my life as it is on a day to day basis. This does not mean giving up on improving my life and maybe lifting it up a notch or two. But in a relative way my life is not a septic tank.

My home is a comfortable place to come home to. Carol is an extraordinarily special person who loves me and really looks out for me. Our new cats are spectacular. They make us laugh, they makes us love them.

Keith and Craig. I could not ask for better sons. We are friends, we have great conversations, our mutual love is strong and they make me so, so proud.

On the material side of things I bought a brand new car last year. I haven't had a new car since 1810. Bought me a cushy new recliner last month. My mother could not hold me more lovingly than this chair does. Last night we bought an office chair for me, which I am sitting in right now quite comfortably (the previous chair was a piece of shit and killed my back). Recently bought a couple of new bookcases to house my precious books.

My point? I have it a lot better than a lot of people. That's an important point. You gotta realize what you have.

I have spent the better part of 2021 searching for a way to think about and live my life in a way that makes me happy. A way that elevates joy over regret.

There are some parts of my life that rip me apart. But the good stuff can easily outweigh the bad stuff if I put the emphasis in the right place.

So yeah, maybe I am living my life. I need to be aware of that instead of wasting it. That is an exponential shift in perspective that can result in an exponential shift in happiness.

I am way too old to spend time in regret, worry and anxiety when it is not necessary or productive. How many days do I have left? Not many, relatively.

Every day I waste being unhappy is a crime against humanity.