I Am a Truffle Hog

I am rooting around like a truffle hog, looking for a job.

I know I will sniff one out eventually. I am not worried about it at all.

I have updated my resume approximately 77 times since November 1. In fact I now have three different resumes to cover various situations. I am using current styles, and ways of presenting information - formats that were not standard when I last updated the resume in 1886.

And, of course, I am using every underhanded way of disguising my age that I can possibly come up with, including those recommended by "resume experts." Like not listing the year I graduated college. Like only showing fifteen years of experience instead of the 45 years that actually represent my working life. And by typing at the top of the resume, under my name, "I Am Not Old."

This is necessary because at this stage of my life, most potential employers see me as an imminent corpse more than a future employee.

I have to be careful, though. I can't just jump at anything. I expect a certain level of pay and a certain level of dignity. Understand, I am not looking for a career - I am just looking for a job that will swell our coffers and make life safe and enjoyable for me and Carol. But I don't have to wear a paper hat or a hair net just to get a paycheck.

I came close. Because even though we have a pretty solid level of security for a while, my mind keeps saying "You're unemployed, you goddamn slacker - you're not bringing in any money - you gotta earn!". You know, it's that thought process that is drilled into your brain from the time you are 3 days old.

Christ, I came close. I applied to Staples and I applied to Market Basket. I have no idea what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I am afraid Carol will panic at some point and scream at me "Tiffany's closed my account because I only spent $5,000 last month. Get a fucking job."

Truthfully, I don't want Carol to think I am sitting in my office every day getting pissed and watching porn. I feel like I have to show results. But I need to have patience. I know I am working as hard as I can at getting a job. It will happen. And our good fortune will continue.

Staples interviewed me. When they asked about experience I told them I operate a beet farm. They did not hire me. (Editor's note - They actually did interview me and did not hire me. WTF.) I had an interview scheduled at Market Basket, but I cancelled it. Close fucking call in both instances.

So I'm rooting around. Sniffing out opportunity. I will lower my standards a bit for a job close by - there are a lot of businesses in Tilton and Laconia. A 10 minute commute would be joyous. But no hair nets.

Did you know that when you go through the Burger King drive thru they say "How can I help you? You rule!" And after you place your order they say "Pull up to the window. You rule!" I bet every Burger King employee is an alcoholic.

The good thing is that the sky's the limit. Anything is possible. The whole world is at my feet. Pick your cliche.

I literally have nothing but opportunity in front of me and it feels oh so good.