You never know where inspiration will come from.
I had no Christmas spirit going on. None.
It was not a negative thing, no sense of anger or depression; I just wasn't feeling anything.
Thanksgiving is spectacular here at Testa central and I typically feel a little lost after it is all over. The return to drudgery overwhelms.
Usually the Christmas spirit thing kicks in on its own. It seeps, it oozes, it makes its way into my diseased brain. You got your lights, the music, the people obsessing about the upcoming holiday. Eventually my emotions realize that it is, once again, Christmas.
Not this year.
I think part of it stems from the precarious situation I find myself in. The decision has been made - I will be retiring soon. I have done the research, had my questions answered and I feel comfortable that I can pull this off.
Of course I need a part time job to make it work but I think that is do-able. All I gotta do is pull the trigger.
The hesitation comes from the fact that I feel like this is the final roll of the dice. The final gamble, the last chance to DO something with my life.
I will not be content to collect SS and work part time. If that is all I do then I become an eternal loser.
What I expect from this final phase of my life is the chance to excite and discover myself. To shed the disingenuous persona I have worn for forty years and burst upon the scene as me.
Pure and unadulterated.
The prospect is daunting because I have not been able to do that - ever - in my entire life.
So I am dangling in between right now and believe me it is disconcerting. Especially at work, where it is worse in my head now more than ever before because I have an escape clause.
I go to work, climb into the meat grinder, come home in pieces, sleep myself back together and return to do it all over again. And the entire time I am in the store I have to fight the impulse to punch cases of wine, smash cases of booze, kick displays over, throw things around the store and drive my fist into peoples' faces.
Probably not a good state of mind for work in retail.
My brain is scrambled, Christmas cannot get in.
Until Tuesday night. Bill Murray saved me.
Randomly, I came across "A Very Murray Christmas" on Netlix.
It is a quirky, inventive, comical, cooly original Christmas special starring Bill, along with Paul Shaffer, George Clooney, Miley Cyrus, Chris Rock, David Johansen, Amy Poehler and other younger personalities that I don't know but you crazy kids will recognize.
I loved it for it's uniquely skewed perspective. It is a different take on Christmas specials complete with a story, spoofs of typical specials, great music, and understated humor.
Please watch it immediately. It will add a fresh, new twist to your Christmas that, admit it, you sorely need.
It is only an hour long so you can watch it over and over again. Which I plan on doing.
It connected with me and instantaneously ignited Christmas feelings in my soul.
Wednesday morning I was called in to work on a day I was supposed to have off. I rushed through my scattered CD collection looking for all my Christmas CD's.
Insanely impatient as I am, I was piling CD's on the floor until I came across the Mariah Carey one. Happily listened to it last night on the ride home from HELL. Still have Elvis, B.B. King, Willie, Diana Ross and others waiting in the wings with their Christmas song offerings.
Christmas is here, baby.
Of course with Paul Shaffer involved in the Murray Christmas, the music is excellent. I especially dug "The Christmas Blues."
The one you really have to hear is "Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'", featuring Bill Murray and George Clooney. It is hilarious.
You never know, baby - you never know.
I came home from work Tuesday night feeling nothing and ended up exploding into Christmas 2015 thanks to one Bill Murray.
Take it where you can get it.
I was thinking last night on my ride home from HELL that the reason I like the lights