Yesterday and Yesterday and Yesterday

Took the day off yesterday.

Not from work. Yesterday was a day off from work. I took the day off from me.

I have been driving myself, out of desperation. Researching jobs, applying for jobs, doing homework about jobs, opportunities, approaches - anything and everything that gives me even a wiff of hope that I might save my life.

I'm an intelligent man - there has to be a way for me to work from home doing dignified work and make decent money, no?

As I hack away at this dream, my current job gets more onerous every second of every day. I cannot fucking stand it anymore. But I must - Carol and The Cats gotta eat.

I am wound up like a turbocharged spring, and believe me, it will not take much for me to snap.

So yesterday I walked away from everything. Carol went food shopping, I had solitude. The temperature was in the seventies, the sun was shining, the cats were blissfully on the screened-in porch and the French doors were wide open. I was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. I sat down in the recliner and watched the latest episode of Succession. I was stunned at how good a simple thing like that could feel.

I felt luxurious. Decadent.

Carol got home, I helped her unload the groceries and then....................I visited The Old Number Six Book Depot. Not because I need more books - I have a bigger stash now than I ever had - but because I need peace. But I did buy three more books. 

I browsed, picked books off of shelves, tucked them under my arms, put them down, climbed up on milk crates, climbed up on stools, put some books back, grabbed other books................and, as always, took in the ambiance of the place like the medicine that it is. When I am in Old Number Six, the natural peace of the place attacks my anxieties like radiation attacks cancer.

It not only resonates with my soul, it allows me to crawl inside my soul and spend time there in flawless peace.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. 

I am at war with 2023, and so far 2023 is winning. This war is ripping me to shreds and - even if I win - runs the risk of being a Pyrrhic victory. Although I don't think that will happen. I think if I get what I want, I will no longer be at war with myself.

Yesterday gave me a taste of what my life could be. It was a dangerous experiment because my mind naturally went to "So this is what retirement could be like."

But I needed it. Needed it.

Today is another day.