Working Through Anger on July 1, 2023

I am angry.

I failed in two social situations in one week. At the second one I adopted the role of Village Idiot and played it well. I am furious at my inability to just be me; it has taken on immense and intense proportions this year. Overwhelming, and excruciatingly agonizing.

I lost zero weight in June, for the second month in a row. Massive failure because it's all I got. I mean, I scored the new job and it is dripping with potential, but until I translate potential into $ I got nothing to talk about.

Simultaneously the current job amplified its efforts to humiliate me. 

Sat there yesterday - alone for 2 and 1/2 hours at the end of the day, which is typically a highlight for me, but I was furious. Because I was just a placeholder. Nobody is buying anything on the Friday before the 4th of July weekend. Worse, I have to work Monday - again as a placeholder because someone thinks it's beneficial to keep the box office open on a day when total sales will equal $1.50. Fucking ridiculous.

All the admimistrative people are off and I bear them no ill will. I used to be a professional, I used to have all the perks, I know how it works. But by way of comparison I must be a fucking grunt, right? Condemned to sit bored in an office for 7 hours with no customers walking in and no phones ringing just because someone decided that the box offcie must be open for appearance-sake.

There is no dignity in grunthood.

I am furious at my life today, that stranger that torments me in all my failure, but I am trying to work through it. Carol deserves better. I have already been short with her and she doesn't even know why.

In April I made a pact with myself to treat Carol better. I have been pretty good about it, but my anger is large and it breaks on through to the other side from time to time. I am getting better at it, though. Fuck, I have today and tomorrow off - all I really want is for us to laugh, for Carol to be happy. I think I can pull it off.

I am focusing on weakness starting today. Weakness is what got me here. Weakness in dealing with other people, allowing their opinions and personalities to overwhelm my own. Allowing them to treat me as the Villlage Idiot. Weakness of spirit, weakness of mind, weakness of conviction.

WEAKNESS! Life devours weakness.

My anger has been building from January 1, 2023. I thought I would be freed from the menial job in May, in June, but July is here and I am still there. I cannot stand pissing away my summer as a cretinous employee. A fucking fool.

The kettle's beginning to boil. Back away while you can, because when it blows your face will get burned.

And I will not care.