Appreciating Reality

Spent the night with my brother last night. Drove my ass down to civilization after work to dig steak, wine, football and cognac and carrot cake.

And conversation. Real conversation. And genuine, soul nourishing laughter. Maybe a few tears.

I walked out the door this morning to climb into The Peace Mobile to drive home and was jolted. Literally jolted.

After a night like that I feel physically and emotionally jolted to walk outside into what some people call reality. I literally stopped before opening the car door because I had to get a grip.

From the minute I walked in his door last night to the minute I walked out the door this morning, I was completely at ease. I was with a man who knows me better than anyone else in the world except for my wife. He knows my flaws, he knows my strengths, he knows the lies I tell myself, he knows how hard I am trying. And as inconceivable as it might be, apparently he still loves me.

He tells me I am stupid when I need it, he supports me when he senses the truth. We talked all night and picked up again at breakfast (omelets). Talked about everything and more.

 We are both far enough down the road to have an appreciation for how hard life can be. How unpredictable. How beautiful it is when you are on a roll, how ugly it is when you are struggling. Our conversation has depth.

Walking into a night like that is like laying down a 5 ton load off your back. That is reality. Everything else is just a game.

For me it was like recharging my battery. I was shocked into thinking "Oh yeah, this is what it feels like to be alive. To feel vulnerably human with no threat of attack."

Reaching for the door handle on The Peace Mobile this morning was like sticking my hand back into the fire.

On the ride down I set the mood perfectly with the choices of music I made. Listened to a live CD featuring Muddy Waters, Johnny Winter and James Cotton. That's a mind blowing lineup and if you don't think so you don't know nothing about the blues. I followed that up with a Billie Holiday retrospective. If you ever hear the song Strange Fruit, it will blow your mind. The fruit she sings of is lynched black bodies swaying in the breeze.

I took the back roads on the ride home, which adds about 18 hours to the ride. I was OK with that because it allowed the beauty and the emotion of the night to saturate my heart and mind and soul as I reflected upon it. And as I listened to Townes Van Zandt. The perfect soundtrack for pensiveness.

I scuttled by Carol's workplace on the way home to drop off The Peace Mobile and pick up my truck. I did that because I love her and I didn't want her to have to freeze her ass off for one more commute. Giving me her car for the trip meant she had to drive to and from work in my truck yesterday, and back to work this morning. The heater in my truck sucks.

She wasn't expecting me and showed genuine surprise. And affection. Made me feel so good. One more person in my life who knows everything about me and, as inconceivable as it might be, apparently still loves me.

It's a little after 6:00 right now, and I am trying to hold on to the precious peace my brother gave to me by just being who he is. And allowing me to just be who I am. Tomorrow morning I jump on a roller coaster that will take me right through Sunday. Picture if you will a liquor store during the last week before Christmas. It is sheer madness.

And I will have to play the game and hold my tongue and do my job like a trained rat.

But in my mind I will be thinking about Ed and the magic of this visit. I will be thinking about Carol's smile at my unexpected appearance.

I will remind myself of what is real and what is illusion.