Backs (And My Mind) Against The Wall

I finished Incognito - The Secret Lives Of The Brain this morning. It caught me by surprise because it is has 60 pages of notes, bibliography and index. I thought I had a ways to go and suddenly I was reading the last sentence.

It ended on a high note for me. The author pointed out that anybody who thinks they can fully understand a human being by breaking the brain down into it's smallest components, is delusional. He noted the difference between the brain and the mind and admitted that we still do not understand the ultimate essence of what a human being is.

That left the door open for me. I need magic. The concept of a soul is spiritual magic to me. It makes us more than a byproduct of evolution.

I enjoyed the book because it challenged my mind, got me thinking differently which is the key to making change. Change your mind and change your life.

I finished the book at 6:39 a.m.; it would be 20 minutes before Carol came down and we dialed up Morning Joe. I reached for Eckhart Tolle. I keep The Power Of Now next to me like a bible. I also keep The Tao Of Willie next to me as well. Always.

These two books give me peace every time I read them. They are filled with wisdom expressed in completely different ways. I tell myself I need to pick one of them up every single day to calm my nerves and give me direction. I haven't read either one for months.

I dove in and my blood pressure dropped, I breathed easier and my mind cleared. Talking about pain and how we are consumed by it, which is one major reason we cannot evolve to a more spiritual existence. You need to recognize your pain and then rise above it, use it as a tool to move forward.

At that point I put the book down to blow my nose and for some reason two glasses on the table next to me caught my eye. A shot glass sitting on a Carol-crocheted coaster and a cocktail glass sitting on a copy of Rolling Stone.

This is how I manage my pain. It is not an intellectual approach. Whiskey to soothe the savage beast. In the right doses it works magic. Problem is I tend to exceed the right dosage on a regular basis, although I am getting better at it. The only way I can succeed at getting to where I want to be is more Eckhart and less Crown Royal.

Back to the book and I read: "A victim identity is the belief that the past is more powerful than the present, which is the opposite of the truth." "The truth is that the only power there is is contained within this moment: It is the power of your presence. Once you know that you also realize that you are responsible for your inner space now - nobody else is - and that the past cannot prevail against the power of the Now."

I obsess in wondering what kind of childhood I had. I have few memories and most of those are negative. I never felt a consistent and powerful love flowing in either direction between me and my parents. It bothers me and I cannot put my finger on the why.

We are paying for our house for the second time. If I had played my cards right it would have been paid for in 2001. We could have been free of mortgage payments for the last eleven years. Now we are committed to  25 plus years and a payment that is double what the original was.

I cannot get past that point. It eats me up.

I also consider it entirely my fault that we are struggling. As an accountant I made enough money that our combined income would make life easier. I despised being an accountant. I opted to chase happiness and as a result we have spent the last six years royally struggling.

The truth is, none of those things matter anymore. It's up to me. My mind can hold me back or my mind can set me free.

There are powerful vibes, positive and negative, bouncing around this house to the point I cannot believe Carol and I don't get knocked down.

Since October we have been hit with $1,700 of bills that we cannot afford. Because we are barely paying our regular bills we had to make payment arrangements to deal with this additional load. And on and on it goes.

We are both considering second jobs because we recognize that we just can't live this way anymore. A very unpleasant prospect.

In the meantime I am trying to dig a little joy out of Christmas. In the meantime I am trying to evolve myself to the point where I can succeed and we are not financially terrorized. In the meantime I hunger to come home to a house with a happy vibe as opposed to the thickly smothering sense of dread that I am greeted with every night.

There's a lot going on in this house.

I'm a dreamer. There is probably nothing in here that I have not said before. 10,000 times.

Life is pushing us around pretty good right now and we have to deal with it.

Whatever it takes, baby.

The point is I think I can use my mind to get me through this and get me past this. I have to do that. I am getting too old to sit in dark corners with three fingers of brown fluid glinting wickedly in the candlelight.

I don't know what I got. I don't know what I can do. I don't know how much I can take.

I do know that I cannot go on like this. I do know that honest effort will get us through.

No words of inspiration here, no promises. I am putting my naked soul out there. Admitting that I have done an awful lot of talking and very little doing.

Don't have that option anymore.