I Can't Believe

I can't believe I read the following exchange in a recent Dear Abby column.

Dear Abby: If I am unwittingly thrust into a situation where I will be smoking some dope and drinking some alcohol, how shall I go about it so as to not get too high or sloppy drunk?

Signed: Semi Wide-Eyed Innocence

Dear Semi Wide-Eyed Innocence:

We have all been caught in that situation once or twice. It is inevitable for bon vivants and elites about town. There is a recipe for success and it  is as follows:

Get high first and make sure the dope is primo quality. The kind that gets you where you want to be in two or three hits.

Where you want to be is elevated, above the fray, looking down on and into reality as an interested observer, in a detached, released-mind kind of way. You don't want to become a blubbering idiot, a stereotypical stoner dude projecting slack jawed stupidity.

Once you have laid down a solid foundation of high, grab yourself a beer. Preferably ice cold, as you will be thirsty. Resist the urge to suck it down like soda pop. A couple of glugs are OK to start, but after that, consume what is left like a normal human being would.

Upon finishing that beer, pour yourself a healthy but not overly generous portion of whiskey.

Sip it. Don't shoot it.

Upon finishing the whiskey, grab yourself another ice cold beer and arrange for a maintenance hit of pot with somebody else who is high. You are not looking for greedy here, just a hit or two to level out the high and avoid the return of reality.

You will find yourself in an enviable position, a place of total command.

From that point on you may consume one more beer and one more healthy portion of whiskey, spaced out over a reasonable amount of time, and punctuated with one or two more maintenance hits of weed.

This discipline will produce the desired effect and keep you floating for five or six hours, without resulting in foolhardy behavior on your part.

Enjoy yourself and feel free to invite me to your next home party. I think we could really hit it off.

Sincerely,

Dear Abby