Well here we go.
New year for the world. New year for me.
My birthday. Again. 63 years old.
I tried to delay this day but was powerless to prevent it. Now it is here and it is in my face.
Feeling strangely ebullient today. Unusual. This day is usually well tempered with dread for me. But I got up with a smile today, inside and outside. I felt happy.
Strange holiday season. I fucked up on Thanksgiving, made it uncomfortable and I hated myself for being so fucking weak. And for putting that weakness on display in front of my family.
Especially my sons.
I vowed to myself that Christmas and New Years would be different.
And they have been. I crushed down emotion and experienced an internal feeling of reserve. It was odd but it felt right.
Christmas did not trip my emotional trigger, last night did not trip my emotional trigger, and, hopefully, today will not either.
I say that not in a bad way. I experienced these holidays in a calm way. Enjoying them quietly without becoming overpowered by emotion; I experienced them in accordance with my view of the world.
It was a foreign, unique, yet no less pleasurable way to go about it.
So here I am.
A man disappointed in himself with a whole new year stretched out ahead of him to do something about it.
Thinking about insanity. I got it in me, a lot deeper, a lot more intense than anybody really knows. Might have to unleash it.
Gotta lose weight. Such a cliche at this time of year but excess poundage is slowing me down. Taking it's toll.
Did it a few years ago but it took almost the entire year to reach my goal. Not interested in slow and steady this time. If I pull it off this year I will be using Christian Bale from "The Machinist" as my role model.
I am in a hurry. Regarding everything in every way.
Can't decide who I want to emulate. Vascillating between Jack Reacher and Tony Soprano.
Gonna resurrect some interests, stoke the fires of passion to bonfire proportions.
I want to feel. With intensity and focus and purpose. And for the sheer joyful result of feeling alive.
No more numbing myself down, no more dumbing myself down.
2017 will be an experiment. Another chance. Another shot.
Got a lot of thoughts and emotions swirling through my mind and my body as I approach 2017. Not sure where they will lead.
The only words I can use in my defense as the year unfolds are as follows:
"But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."
From "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" by The Animals