Sunday, January 15, 2017

Mass Hangings & The Presidency

People stood and cheered the bodies swaying in the trees. It was extraordinary; that so many people would simultaneously commit suicide; that so many would be pleased to witness it.

Of course the deaths received massive coverage on every network, except WE tv, which refused to interrupt their scheduled airing of endless Law & Order episodes, as well as the brain teasers Marriage Boot Camp, Braxton Family Values, Kendra On Top, Bridezillas and much, much more.

It all started with the presidential election.

Who could believe this guy won? Jesus Christ, he sacrificed virgins and babies on stage at his rallies and people cheered.

He raped and killed the pope and was celebrated on Breitbart News with exclusive coverage and enthusiastic support.

He shackled people to trees and whipped them, and ground lit cigarettes into their flesh until they agreed to vote for him. His supporters voluntarily threw rocks at these people as well, aiming to spill as much blood and break as many bones as possible.

Just for fun.

He terrorized the elderly, visiting assisted living communities and demanding their votes. If they refused to pledge allegiance, he punched them in the face and tasered them into submission.

They always came around. Or died.

He mocked the handicapped. He pushed wheelchair bound people to the edge of cliffs, dangling them there until they saw the light. Those that did not went for a short ride to a bone-crushing death.

He slapped and spit on quadriplegics, pouring motor oil on them and threatening to light them on fire. He really didn't care if they lived or died. What the hell were they contributing to America anyway.

The hangings were sporadic at first, but reached critical mass on January 20. Suddenly millions of people were looping nooses over the limbs of sturdy trees and kicking out the stools beneath their feet.

Necks snapped as the signs on their chests revealed the consistent message "I'd rather be dead."

Some people were horrified. The people who voted the new president in were entertained.

At first they stood beneath the swinging corpses and cheered and chanted. When that became boring they poked them with sticks and eventually got around to whacking them like pinatas, delighting in the crushing of bones and the interesting way the corpses became looser, giving the appearance of being relaxed.

This happened all around the country. Strange how so many different people in so many different locations could think alike. Strange how they were united in the support of this particular man.

At the inauguration the new president looked down upon his people with pride. People smeared with blood, carrying automatic weapons, brandishing hunting knives and chanting "We won, you lost, you die."

He turned to the former president, who was frozen to his chair in horror and asked "So what's next for you?"

Trembling, stuttering, the former president said "I'm going on vacation. Someplace warm. Someplace quiet"

The new prez reached into his topcoat, pulled out a Glock 17, said "No you're not" and emptied all 17 rounds into the former president, his wife and his daughters.

An enormous cheer went up from the crowd.

And so began a brand new era in America.

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