A Familiar Rant

Fucking winter sucks.

This is something that every human can agree on. When December 21 rolls around society is plunged into blood filled chaos. Mass suicides. Dogs and cats living together. Violence and viciousness.

Hatred. People punch, kick and spit on each other in the grocery store line.

Wow, man - it's pretty rough.

Every year at this time of year there is talk about not changing the clocks anymore, keeping them permanently set one way or the other. If that law is ever passed we should pork barrel the bill with a ban of winter. Make winter illegal.

Wouldn't that be sweet?

Anyway, so 12/21 rolls around and people go mad. During the first snow storm this year I threw my fucking shovel across the driveway after only a few shovelfuls.

That's bad enough. But when March rolls around I snap like a dry twig. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Yesterday I ran into Mrs. McCronski at her mailbox. She's 94 years old. She was toddling out there to get her social security check. I took a baseball bat to the side of her head, stole her check and left her lying in the snow. Cashed the check thanks to this guy Lefty that I know, ran down to Floyd's Market and bought myself a double rack of Natty Light and an ice cream sandwich.

When I got back, fucking McCronski was still alive, the tough old bird. She begged me to call 911. Instead I tossed her the ice cream sandwich and said "Enjoy your snack, you old bag."

That's just one example.

I am pacing around the house like a caged animal, wild eyed and frothing at the mouth. Can't eat, can't sleep. I stare at the thermometer willing it to climb. It doesn't. It just fucking hangs there.

10 degrees. 18 degrees. 23 degrees. These are not hospitable temperatures. The only people who enjoy those numbers are corpses.

I was driving home from work last Saturday and got tricked into believing it was warm. It was toasty goddamn warm when I crawled into the JoeMobile. I had the sun roof wide open for half the ride, and popped for the second half after I got a bit chilled.

I was fucking ecstatic. I was really feeling it, man. And it wasn't even 50 degrees.

That's what winter does to you, man. It twists your brain, it destroys your perspective, it fucks with you until you start murdering nuns.

No doubt there will be a string of corpses behind me by the time we reach the end of winter in late April. Someone has to pay for my discomfort. But it's OK, most people deserve to die anyway.

Especially the ones who say they love winter.