You best tread lightly around me tomorrow if you are one of those irrationally optimistic New Englanders.
Or today, depending on which date you recognize. All my life March 21 was the fictional "first day of spring". Now some recognize March 20 as that imaginary milestone.
Doesn't matter to me. It is a fucking lie.
I have an abundance of snow in my yard. A fucking shitload to be exact. And ice everywhere.
Tomorrow delusional people will tell you it's the first day of spring and "it won't be long before the snow is gone and the temperatures are warmer." Let me explain something. If we still have snow and it is cold it is still fucking winter. Period.
If it was spring my lawn would be visible and the temperature would be 70 degrees. If it is going to be spring it has to feel like spring. The first rule of nature (or me - I get confused sometimes).
Give me a fucking break.
This is how people survive in New England. They ignore the obvious and hope for better weather. They are always hoping for better weather. Until suddenly - it's winter again. And people say I am stupid for yearning to get the hell outta here. Please...............
This time of year is highly dangerous for you if you are going to pull that first day of spring shit around me. I am right on the edge. After five months of being continuously cold I can finally smell good weather. Right around the corner. In a month or so.
I can feel it. All I gotta do is hang on for one more month. Then you come along with your fairy tale bullshit and my brain breaks. I suppose you think you're gonna win the lottery too. And have mind blowing sex with the tooth fairy. And share chocolate fucking eggs with the Easter Bunny.
I happen to know the fucking Easter Bunny is a selfish prick. You try to pry one of those chocolate eggs out of his paws and he'll sink his fangs into your throat. I have seen it happen.
Your best bet is to stay away from me for the next month. I am a little shaky and it will only get worse as winter tortures me a little more. You know how it goes - a sixty degree day out of nowhere and then two days later it fucking snows. And I am smashing my head against the wall.
And you have the poor judgment to say "It's spring. Warm weather is on the way."
Suddenly your two front teeth are in your hand, bathed in blood.
Good for you. Take them home and offer them up to the fucking tooth fairy. Maybe you'll get lucky.
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