Frazzled (Urgently)

I kicked up the intensity level in 2023.

I am determined to change my life. More importantly, I am determined to grab a hold of my life, to make it my own. As a result, everything around me, everything that involves me, touches me or impacts me is white hot. I am so wound up I wouldn't be surprised if I clubbed a customer at work over the head with an office chair. Amongst other possibilities.

Nelson died a week ago. Way too damn young. I am about to turn 70 but, subconsciously, I don't really expect to die today. I expect another 10 or 15 years before the Grim Reaper wraps his bony fucking fingers around my throat. Of course it's ridiculous to "expect" anything. Death shows up when it wants to show up. Maybe I will die today. All I can do is keep on keeping on.

Nelson's death shook me up. Cranked the intensity level up another notch or two. My mind has been in overdrive this past week, and change cannot come fast enough. I just caught a bit of conversation between Deepak Chopra and Bill Maher. Death figured prominently in the discussion. Chopra is 76, Maher is 67. You cannot help but think about death when that's where you are in life. Deepak has an accepting approach towards death, Maher describes death as a monster chasing him.

I agree heartily with Bill Maher, but a lot of that comes from my opinion of my life. Would I be less afraid if I felt I achieved fulfillment in my life? Seems to make sense but I really don't know. Maher is very successful, but it is obvious that he thinks about death a lot and is afraid of it. We all have to deal with it in our own ways. The worst thing would be to allow the fear of death to cause paralysis.

At least I am trying, I am pushing, I am searching. I haven't given up.

I am not satisfied. I am not proud. I am not fulfilled. Maybe this is what fuels me. I am putting a lot of effort into 2023. Exercising, obviously. But I am also doing a lot of work behind the scenes that I am not telling you about. Things that I hope will lead to making some money from writing.

We'll see.

The mind/body connection came up in the discussion between Maher and Chopra. My mind sabotages my body, and undercuts forward movement. But I have noticed this year, with all the exercise, that my mind seems to be analyzing a bit more clearly and steering me in the right direction. Focusing more on committing to a specific path and giving it hell.

2023, one way or another, will be a year of change. Period. I gurantee it. I cannot waste any more time.

Death is a big part of the motivation behind the intensity.