Respect & Money

 So essentially I have locked myself into working for the "rest of my life" to support the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed (actually better).

The new joint will cost no more than the old joint - we are just substituting HOA fees for a mortgage payment, and taxes for taxes.

Although we will have no mortgage, we understand that valuations of mobile homes vary widely and it is entirely possible this home we are buying might be worth $85,000 less next year. We looked at the sales history of this place and it is all over the map in a relatively short time. We are buying at a time that realtors drool over - everything is up now, but who knows what reality will be if and when we decide to sell.

Then again we are almost 70 years old - where the fuck are we going to go from here?

Another consideration is Keith & Craig's obligations down the road. I always worried that if we could not escape this dungeon, and we died in a flaming car wreck involving my Hyundai and a circus van - they would have to sell this dump warts and all (good luck) and deal with the remaining balance on the fucking mortgage. We own the new place free & clear - all they gotta do is sell it and split the proceeds 50/50. Hopefully it will be easy enough to sell - it is pretty and peaceful. Besides, anything they get from the sale is gravy. When the time comes I hope it will ease their burdens considerably.

I have backed us into a corner through a lifetime of bad decisions and indecision and lack of initiative. We got an offer that we could not refuse - if we dicked around, we would no doubt lose this opportunity and get an offer that was $100K less. We found a place that we love - a place that comes with financial burdens we did not want to deal with. But we will. I will look so damn good in a McDonalds paper hat.

Shelly Winters played a character on Law & Order who killed her husband because she caught him cheating on her. She said "I gave him 25 years of my life and he threw it all away." That comment floored me. 

I feel that way about Carol. If I had achieved what I was capable of achieving, if I had performed at a professional level to match my "potential", her life would have been much easier, much more enjoyable, much more carefree. And she has given me forty five years.

I am happy to make this move. I truly am. It is the right move at the right time. I love the new place and this is a miracle bailout for us in this house. I am especially happy for Carol. She deserves this. Leaving here will be SO hard for her, but living in the new place will make her SO happy. She loves it. She loves it, she loves it, she loves it.

It will not allow me to retire. My fault. Nobody else's.

So now I am shooting for respect & money. I have not earned respect in 69 years and rightfully so - I aim to do it now. I have worked for chump change in 69 years - I aim to make enough money to make us secure - unafraid.

I accept the fact that I have to work, but it is a painful truth that I will have to live with.

Redemption comes with strings attached. There is no free lunch in heaven or in hell.

I will love living in the new place. It is beautiful. We will be happy there. Even the cats, after they get over the shock of the move.

Maybe, maybe, some day I will find a solution to my own shortcomings.

I hope that our new life will destroy my perception that Carol might feel like I have thrown away the last 45 years of her life. My deepest, darkest fear.

Redemption comes with strings attached.