Jonathan

My nephew, Jonathan Testa, passed away on Wednesday, December 17.

He was 27.

He was my brother's only son.

His death was drug related and is a testament to the hideous power of heroin and the immense inability of our society to deal with it.

As I walk around my house and live my life and get distracted by the little things that have to be done, suddenly, my mind will jolt me with the fact that Jonathan is gone.

Every time that has happened I have grimaced and shaken my head in disbelief.

My mind will not accept it, and will not for a long time to come.

My brother's grief is ten fold. I cannot imagine the enormity of his pain, the helpless sense of loss, the emptiness he is experiencing.

My heart aches to know how deeply Eddie is suffering. My mind recoils at my inability to truly comfort him.

I am ashamed to admit that I did not know Jonathan as well as I should have. Did not see him enough. Did not spend nearly enough time with him.

I do know he was exceptional. He was intelligent with a wicked sense of humor, he was talented in sports and very talented musically, he painted and he probably did ten other things well that I am not even aware of.

He was that kind of man.

 When I was lucky enough to be around him I was aware of his confident sense of self. You couldn't miss it.

I vividly remember the phone call I got from my brother eight or nine years ago telling me that Jonathan had been busted.

I was completely off balance. Had no idea, no clue at all.

He was in college, playing in a band and appeared to be kicking ass. I would never have associated Jonathan with hard drugs.

That is how insidious drugs are, how evil and all consuming. That they could be introduced into a life with so much promise and just ruin it.

Since then it had all been about ups and downs. Sometimes Jonathan was doing well, sometimes he was not. Eddie and Kathy, Jonathan's mom, did everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - to help him out, to support him, to protect him and to let him know he was loved.

So much so that it negatively impacted their own lives.

Didn't matter. They were trying to protect their son.

I don't understand what happened. I don't know if Jonathan got into heroin for kicks or if he was trying to deal with a pain that I knew nothing about.

One small insight into the nature of Jonathan's personality was that when he was doing well he could always land a job. After losing a job, falling back into the clutches of heroin, entering rehab and cleaning up, he could walk into a restaurant and get hired. It happened over and over again.

He even got hired back to a place where he had been previously fired.

I know people who have been unemployed for years and cannot land a job.

That tells you a lot about the kind of man Jonathan was. That people could see his true nature through the confusion and that they would trust him with a job.

Jonathan cooked. He did it well. Another creative aspect of his personality.

He brought a lot to this world and should have brought a lot more.

His wake was a steady stream of family and friends for three solid hours. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came through that funeral home.

Imagine how many more lives he would have touched had he lived another sixty years.

But I'll tell you something. I have memories of Jonathan as a baby, as a little boy, as a young man. Memories that cannot be taken away from me. I have pictures of him in my house that I will look upon with pride.

Forever.

At some point my grief will fade into a fierce pride and happiness at having been Jonathan's uncle. I was lucky to have him in my life, lucky to have experienced his amazing essence.

Until then I will ache for Kathy.

I will ache for my brother Ed in a way I have never hurt before. My heart is broken at Jonathan's loss and in the knowledge of the pain Eddie is going through.

Eddie and Kathy raised an exceptional son who became an exceptional man. He brought a lot of love, a lot of happiness, a lot of caring, and a lot of laughs to a lot of lives.

You cannot ask for more from a human being.

We who knew and loved him are grateful.