Same Old Same Old (except Sadly Completely Different)

Back to work today for a semi-extended period.

Three days. That's about all I can handle.

12/29. 12/30. 12/31.

Then........................I'm off for four days. Gonna be with Carol for those days. In comfort and peace. Gonna celebrate my birthday on 01/01 with whoever shows up.

Looking forward to it.

I was in a daze today. Barely functioning. Too much sorrow. Too much pain. Especially in contrast to the enormous superficiality of my totally meaningless job.

I really didn't give a shit. I never will again.

I work with a couple of insignificant people. Selfish. Delusional. Back stabbing, agenda driven scum.

Other than that they are perfectly OK.

Given the shock and loss of the past week, I have been driven deep within myself. Thinking about the 61 years I have spent on this earth and wondering how I can make what's left count.

As lost as I was today, as disillusioned and sad and broken as I felt.........................I thought over and over again about Eddie and Kathy and Cori and Carol and.....................

You have to fight to make your life meaningful. The more loss you experience the more driven you become to make a statement, to actually do something with your life.

What the hell is the point of living life on your knees? It is meant to be lived with fist extended drawing blood from any face that gets in the way.

I hurt a lot today and I don't give a shit whether I did a good job or not because the people I work for are exploitive, manipulative, condescending and COLD HEARTED.

They do not deserve my loyalty or my concern.

My family does.

Recently I told you that I only evolve when I am broken.

The past week has broken me significantly.

Ultimately I care only about the healing of those who I love. The people who were hurt the most by untimely death.

Two more days before I can withdraw once again. What will be the benefit of that withdrawal?

I can't say. This is uncharted territory.

Will time soothe the pain of the ones I love?

No.

Even time is not that powerful.