Numb Surprise

The first week of the new year is coming to a close and things do not feel much different, do they?

Don't fall into that void - it is bottomless and eventually tumbles you into your grave, unremarkable, unrealized and unfulfilled.

"Your brain seems bruised in numb surprise." From "Soul Kitchen" by The Doors.

That is what you will feel on that day.

As a retail prisoner I talk to a hell of a lot of people every single day. I find the mute acceptance of the futility of life deeply disturbing.

I ask "How you doing?" The number one answer by far is "Living the dream."

I hate that answer for its irony. It is a brief, three word summary in naked truth of the life that the vast majority of humans live.

Broken dreams, no dreams, slogging through life working mindlessly like a beaten animal, bewildered, praying for a little peace at the end of the road.

This week I have talked to a lot of people about their holidays. I ask them how the holidays went, they reply "good."

With no conviction and no joy.

There are exceptions, starting with me. My holidays were spectacular and I let people know it. Others who come into the store answer me with a smile, and that warms my innards.

One guy I work with floored me. He said "Oh, you know - same old same old."

The holidays are the one time of year when you are permitted - encouraged, actually - to break out of the mold. To shatter your routine, to celebrate and to laugh. To get a different perspective on life - your life - that hopefully will provide such sharp contrast to your everyday reality that you will become unnerved. Inspired to change direction.

When the holidays become the same old same old, then nothing changes.

I did not detonate any bombs this week. I did not introduce dramatic change into my life.

Truthfully I was numbed by the return to the every day after such a memorable holiday season.

Tough six day week, including today, one day off, then inventory on Monday.

Not exactly soul inspiring.

But I am restless as hell. I feel it. I think it. I am it.

That provides some comfort to me that the seed has been planted deep and nurtured accordingly.

 I am fighting to keep the spark of a new year burning.