I was driving to work yesterday and came across a hesitant squirrel.
Not literally. As much as I hate squirrels I do not enjoy killing them under my wheels. I guess it is a combination of that animal lover thing I have in my soul and an aversion to the idea of snuffing out a life.
Although there are some people..........................
Anyway a squirrel hesitated right in front of The Big Ride and the whole scene played out in slow motion.
It ran out to the street from the right side of the road, the right side of my car. There were no cars approaching in the other direction.
The squirrel stopped right in the middle of my sights - directly in line with the understated yet tasteful Lincoln ornament on my hood. It turned back to the right and in that instant I knew if it continued back in that direction I would crush it.
It took one step that way and then spun back around and ran across the road to my left.
The squirrel made it happily into the woods; I was relieved not to have blood on my hands.
Here comes the deep stuff kids so strap on your hip boots.
It occurred to me that scene was a metaphor for my life. My life at the age of 62.
All the pressure in the world is on my shoulders to make the right move right now; albeit pressure applied by me.
Got to retire - I have no choice. I cannot play this game anymore. I am so burned out on living a lie and having to comply with other peoples' rules and being judged by other peoples' standards - people I have zero respect for - that the top of my head is fixing to blow right off.
I have to find a part time job that makes sense to me; one that I can live with and, ultimately, hopefully, enjoy.
I have to build for myself the life that I owe to myself.
If I retire and just end up working some half-assed part time job that is beneath me, accomplishing nothing else, I will be condemned to misery until I die.
I have to retire, snag a reasonable part time job, and then craft my one and only, my final exultant resurrection.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.......................
I must make my life something I can be proud of; I must satisfy my soul that I finally lived in a way and accomplished at a level that is in perfect sync with who I truly am.
Even in what is with out question the final chapter of my existence.
If I go right, I will be crushed.
If I go left, I will triumph.