This guy (a friend) comes up to me and says: "Holy shit, man - people are trying to break my face off and crush me down to tiny Jo Jo pieces. Trying to kill me until I am dead. Completely fucking dead."
What? What the fuck are you talking about?
He says: "No, man it's true - they are trying to crunch me down into a little ball so they can kick me around. Fuck me up so my brain don't work no more. That way I won't be able to out think them like I usually do."
What kind of drug are you on this time? Be honest with me - I can help you.
He says: "I ain't on no fucking drug, man. You gotta believe me. These people are scumwad fuckbags - I mean real dirtbags - they want my money, they want my cats, they want me dead."
You don't have any fucking money. What the hell are you talking about?
He says: "You gotta listen to me, man. The other day I was on my way to work, walking down my driveway to my car, when these dudes pulled in right up next to me. They started beating at my head with wiffle ball bats. Don't kid yourself - wiffle ball bats fucking hurt, man. They beat on me for about ten minutes and then they tell me next time it will be real bats."
What did you do?
He says: "I got up and went to work. Some blood on my face, a broken tooth, one missing tooth. Don't matter with my job, me being just a warehouse grunt and all. My boss looks at me for about ten seconds and tells me to get to work. Tells me I am half an hour late and he ain't gonna pay me for it. Didn't even ask what the hell happened to me. Didn't offer me no band aids or nothing. Motherfucka."
Why do these people want you dead?
He says: "Because I am the coolest of the cool, man. They don't understand me. Nobody does. Everybody thinks I am stupid but that ain't it. I am just different. I am smarter than most people so I can't talk to them. I don't make no friends. All I can make is enemies."
Brother, I gotta tell you. Your story is kind of fantastical, you know what I am saying? And don't take this the wrong way, I mean, I love you and all, but all you are is a low level grunt crawling your way through the world. You got nothing and you got nothing to offer. Doesn't matter if you live or die. Nobody notices one way or the other. Nobody is out to get you.
He says: "You're wrong, man. I got a lot to offer. People just can't see it. People are just too fucking selfish. They are just too, what's the word, judgmental. Yeah, that's it - too fucking judgmental. And they are jealous too. Fuck them. I don't need nobody."
I'm outta here, my friend. Gonna grab me some breakfast.
He says: "Can I come?"
No.
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