The Latest Defibrillator

Football just might save my life.

I am consuming football at an alarming rate this year. Watching all the live football I can squeeze in, watching "Inside The NFL" every week, watching "Good Morning Football" 2 or 3 mornings a week, watching "A Football Life" every fucking week.

Yesterday morning I worked from 8-12 (I hate that fucking shift), did some responsible home owner stuff when I got home, then settled in to watch "Inside The NFL".

Had an epiphany. That is just the way shit hits me sometimes.

The Allman Brothers Band kept me alive for a very long time. They broke up a few times but their last transformation was the one that breathed life into my soul. Got back together in 1989 and ran that mutha all the way to 2014.

During that span of time I saw them almost every summer. At least once, many times twice and one memorable year three times. That year they played Manchester NH - I couldn't get anyone to join me so I went alone..............and had a fucking blast with the young people who sat near me. They saw me as the wise Allman Brothers elder and asked me a whole hell of a lot of questions. And we talked and laughed and smoked. Fuckin' eh.

Those trips could consist of four people, could consist of 15 people. Every concert was different but every concert was mind blowing.

And I lived for them. No matter how much my life sucked and my job sucked and my financial situation sucked and my dying dreams sucked - when I went to those concerts I forgot everything - I dug the band and I dug my friend Phil, who was my reliable partner in crime.

The band split up with finality in 2014. Me and Phil caught their second to last concert ever, at The Beacon Theatre in NYC thanks to Keith and Craig - who bought me two tickets to the show. I am forever grateful to my sons and will never forget what they did for me.

Me and Phil were OK. We figured we could catch Butch Trucks in concert, Gregg Allman in concert - we would get our fix.

In the summer of 2016 me and Phil caught Butch Trucks and his band in concert at a small venue that we love. Mind blowing. In January of 2017 Butch Trucks committed suicide. He fucking committed suicide.

In May of 2017 Gregg Allman died. We never even got to see him after 2014.

In 2017 the hole in my heart became bigger than my fucking heart itself. I have no idea how I am even still alive.

I have latched on to football this year like I never have before. And that is saying a lot because I have loved this game for 54 years. The only thing that comes close is my love for The Allman Brothers - 49 years.

When I watch the highlights on "Inside The NFL" and "Good Morning Football" - I focus my attention like a laser beam. I am watching a ton of football this year and I am excited.

Patrick Mahomes is lighting up the league, Jesus Christ I have watched a lot of Chiefs football this year and I shake my head and smile. I say holy shit a lot.

You know who else is lighting up the league? Drew Brees. So cool to see. Drew is 39 years old. Patrick Mahomes is 23. One of the many reasons I love this game. Talent is talent, baby and the cream will rise to the top.

I fell in love with The Browns in the pre-season thanks to "Hard Knocks". Not only because they lost every game last season - every fucking game - but because they are determined to turn things around, and because their coach - Hue Jackson - had his mother and his brother die on him in a two week period just as the pre-season was heating up. He's a human being with a broken heart and the weight of an entire city on his shoulders. I was ecstatic when they won their first game.

I have watched a lot of Browns football - they are 2-2-1 and I love it.

I need football to feel alive. I need football to be alive.

When I watch the highlights I thrill. At full speed they blow your mind because you are seeing camera angles you don't see during a game. Fucking unbelievable.

When they back it down to slo-mo, the sport becomes an art. Beautiful. Exquisite. Mesmerizing.

To me the highlights are bonus football - I watch them like I am watching a game and it feeds me.

I have lost a lot in the last four years. Jonathan, Sarge, Kevin, The Allman Brothers. My sons have been through difficult emotional times. I have watched my wife go through fucking hell and continue to be enormously frustrated, which is so unlike her. Her battle is unrelenting and even her enormous strength gets tested. It breaks my heart every single day. Every single fucking day.

The Allman Brothers were my go to good time. They allowed me to crazy go nuts, to express my passion, to indulge my insanity, to just feel alive. Alive, alive, alive.

They are no more.

Subconsciously I have grabbed on to football with both fists. I did not make a conscious decision to embrace the sport harder than ever before as my savior. It just happened.

Deep down I think I knew I needed something - something, anything, to revive me, to excite me, to feed me and keep me going. I am passionate to the core and I have a desperate need to express that passion.

Or I shrivel up and die.

I honestly do not know how the hell I am here at 64. Don't know how the hell I keep on going. Most of that answer is a mystery.

Except for The Allman Brothers and football. Those are facts.

Fuckin' football, man. Can't live without it. The fucking hot sauce on boring, reheated leftovers.

Bring it on, baby.