Happy? What Is Happy?

How is a human being supposed to navigate this shit?

I mean everything. All of it. 

Fucking pandemic made exponentially worse by a president so cold hearted that thousands of deaths sit on his shoulders and he goes golfing. Does nothing to help defenseless victims even though it is well within his power to do so. What a fucking prick. He belongs in prison and eventually on an execution table.

He is committing 1st degree murder every day and getting away with it. Jack McCoy would never allow it.

Economic instability. Job instability. Invisible family members.

Prostate cancer.

Met with Dr. Feelgood yesterday and found out, as he so accurately put it - "the game has changed."

Had an extensive biopsy done on 11/16. Been cruising at Level 6 for a couple of years now. Cakewalk. Now I am looking at some 7's and some 9's. Got the doc's attention.

Let me be clear. This is not life or death. It is not an emergency situation. It is something to be dealt with. Or not.

The man buried me with information and options. I was fucking dizzy when I walked out of there.

I got three options. 1) Radiation. 25 visits, 15 minutes at a time. 5 days a week for 5 weeks. 2) Remove the prostate. 3) Do nothing.

Radiation requires hormone therapy prior to the treatments. I don't know why. Sounds ominous. I think he said it lasts/goes on for 3 to 6 months. He told me it seriously depresses production of testosterone. Negates sex drive. Honestly I am 66 and married 42 years. Talk to me about something relevant.

He also said it reduces muscle mass. This concerns me because I fight very hard to avoid developing flabby old man arms (even though I have a flabby old man belly). Phony baloney weight work, phony baloney push ups.

He also said something like we review the effects in 3 months to evaluate quality of life. This suggests to me there could be other side effects.

Removing the prostate results in me wearing a catheter for 10 days and a diaper for 3 to 6 months. That is never going to happen under any circumstances.

My brother-in-law Danny was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer after a hard life of smoking and drinking. He refused treatment and said let me die. And that is what he did.

I would do the same if removing the prostate was my only option. 

My doc is a hot shit. He said I could choose to do nothing and with today's treatments he could "keep me alive" for up to 15 years. That gets me to 81. He doesn't recommend it because he can't guarantee a reasonable quality of life.

No matter what I do, the next step is a "full body bone scan." The purpose of this is to determine if there is cancer in other parts of my body. Because if there is, focusing on the prostate accomplishes nothing.

I don't know how a bone scan works. I fear it involves inserting me into a machine like an MRI, after radioactive shit is injected into my body - 3 hours earlier.

That would not work for me unless they can knock me out. I am claustrophobic, big time.

You have picked up on the fact that there are a lot of "I don't knows" in these scenarios. Some I'm sure the doc did not adequately explain but I am also willing to bet he explained some and I just did not hear it.

I called the hospital for clarification today. Had to return 2 calls and make my "I need to know" call. I got through once. And not the "I need to know" call, of course.

This is the medical world today. Frustrating and bureaucratically inefficient. Fuck them. No call back yet either.

I am not happy today.