I Was Furious

Big Boss Man wandered over to my desk on Friday and asked me about Thanksgiving.

We were having a conversation about how fucked up the world is this year when someone higher up on the food chain walked into the office. Big Boss Man immmediately started talking to this person. Right in the middle of our conversation. No "excuse me, Joe", no consideration at all. It was as if I suddenly became invisible. Which, of course, I did. Because I am.

They were talking close to my desk. I dutifully went about my job because I am a well behaved boy, but I am damn sure my body language communicated the intensity of my anger. I was fucking furious.

I am a glorified clerk. Low man on the totem pole. Bottom rung of the org chart.

I know this. I don't like it. I fucking hate it. I am 66 years old, working a clerical job in the lowest position in the office. How humiliating.

Of course I tell everybody it pays well, which it does, and the hours are awesome, which they are. I make it sound like I am happy to have the job. Truth is that does not matter to me at all. I hate sitting at that fucking desk, I hate doing that fucking job. I hate it every minute of every day that I am there. It is rock solid confirmation of my failure as a human being.

There are little incidents/comments/attitudes all the time to remind me of just how inconsequential I am.

Ten minutes after the Holy Conversation, Big Boss Man came back to my desk and said he was sorry our conversation got interrupted and tried to pick up where we left off. I answered him, but my anger was obvious. He did not like it. 

I know he only came back because he sensed my anger. I know the next time that situation arises he will disrespect me again. In a heartbeat.

I was still furious when I got home so I medicated myself and that solved everything.

Between September 2019 and March 2020 I was working two part time jobs. In 2020 it got to the point where I was hurting myself. I was so angry, so frustrated, so burned out that whiskey flowed like water. Whiskey solves everything until it doesn't.

Since July I have only been working this job. At first that was glorious. Lots of time off. Now I am right back to where I was early in the year, emotionally. And.................Big Boss Man decides it is acceptable to openly shit on me.

Carol and I both took next week off from work. It was supposed to be a grand buildup to Thanksgiving, now it is a grand buildup to nothing. Still, we are out of work.

Today is November 22. I don't go back to work until December 2. That is a good long stretch.

I intend to use it wisely.

I need to quit this job ASAP. I need freedom and dignity. Can't do that until the mortgage is paid off. So all I have to do in the next week and a half is come up with $150,000. Seems doable.

Might as well lose 25 pounds while I'm at it.

And perfect an approach to life that eradicates regret and shatters fear of the future.

Shit, man - having a concrete plan for success is quite calming.

Might even go to church today and thank jesus for the peace and beauty that lies ahead.