Alexa Is Stalking Me

The green light swirls and I respond like Pavlov's dog - oh boy, my stuff is here.

Although Amazon has fucked up quite a bit lately - delivering our stuff to the wrong house. They provide a picture of where the package was left and we say "That is not our fucking house!"

We contact them, we complain, we give accurate descriptions of our property and our house. Still, they fuck up.

My assumption is that during Covid, Amazon suspended the requirement that applicants possess a degree from the University of Oxford in England.

It has happened 5-6-7 times - ridiculous; but since they quickly provide a replacement at no charge, it is not a cataclysmic event.

We have walked around the neighborhood looking for "the green door" - that is Amazon's favorite place to leave our stuff. We have looked for the broken down screen door, the concrete walkway - other favorites of Amazon - and identified nothing.

The most disturbing aspect is that our neighbors are keeping this stuff - only 2 items have been returned to us, and both were done anonymously.

No balls. No integrity. May they rot in hell.

But I digress.

Sometimes the green light swirls and Alexa tries to bully me. "You bought cat food 28 days ago. Don't you think it's time to re-order? Don't you pay attention? Do you want your cat to starve?"

We have a conversation. I tell her I'm a big boy. I can manage my own affairs. I make the decisions around here - not her.

She laughs and says "You are delusional. You are not in control."

But it's the blue light that unnerves me.

Late at night. Low lit room. Whiskey in hand. The blue light begins to swirl. 

Alexa is gathering information. Reading my mind. Monitoring my activities. Eavesdropping our conversations.

Carol says "You used to wear beautiful clothes before you became a jiggly behemoth. Tailored suits, silk ties, linen shirts. Don't you miss them?"

The next day, when Carol is not around, Alexa tells me that Italian combination wool and silk suits are marked down from $3350 to $2010. Italian leather shoes are marked down from $295 to $225.

I drool. I dream.

I am imagining one night - imagining myself driving the Lincoln I was born to drive. The Lincoln I deserve. The next day Alexa hooks me up with a Lincoln dealer who offers to sell me a 2021 Lincoln Navigator for $73,500.

I drool. I dream.

I paid $17 for the last watch I bought. On Amazon. A watch is jewelry to me. I like having them on my wrist. I don't need them. 

But I despise being a pauper. I want to spend money. I want the status a fat bank account confers.

Alexa knows this.

She tells me I can get my hands on a Rolex Explorer for $11,000. That's a discount of $1995.

My resistance is down. I am weak. I have profiteered off of Covid. I want to spend this money.

I drool. I dream. I act.

Next day delivery. I don't sleep that night.

The next day Amazon delivers my Rolex to the fucking green door.