Mojo

I got my Mojo back after Nashville/Extended Vacation.

My brain is on fire; flames are shooting out of my ears.

As a result I can't stop thinking, comparing, evaluating and noticing.

Went out to dinner Friday night with two other couples. The guys were Jason and Gregg. "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself" - Desiderata.) Despite the wisdom in these words I did that night, and do it always.

What are you gonna do?

Jason is in his mid forties and is financially set. A few years ago we had a conversation - just me and him in his car - that revealed the basis of his success. He told me that at a young age he noticed that most people get to old age and have nothing - they struggle to survive, ending their lives with no dignity.

He decided that would never happen to him. He started working at the company he is still employed by as a youngster - sweeping up, cleaning up - doing menial labor. He is now one of the top executives, makes excellent money, owns a home and a cottage, lots of toys and has no worries.

I went to a concert with Gregg a few years back and he told me the story of his life. He was a raging alcoholic. At times he was homeless, sleeping on people's couches, destroying every relationship he ever had, losing job after job. He turned his life around. Stopped drinking, found jobs, worked his way up, and recently landed a good paying job that he enjoys. He is also married and content. And still sober. For many years.

I thought about how strong and committed these guys are. It takes a lot to take charge of your life; it is a miracle to turn your life around.

I am in these situations too frequently. Where the people I am around outshine me in the "life lived" category. Typically it depresses me. And truthfully, it did bum me out Friday night.

I have been thinking about that dinner all weekend, but through the new and improved clarity of my revived Mojo.

I am nervous, a little afraid - 67 years old is not a good place to be if you see your life as a failure. The weight of regret and the fear of the future are crushing.

But I am thinking there is a solution out there in the hinterlands of my mind. 

Selling the house is the easy way out, but we don't really want to do that. We like it here, and from my point of view that is a passive solution representing one more compromise. I really don't want to end up in a mobile home; it would feel like officially being judged as a loser by Life.

This is always a dangerous conversation for me to have because I have been here 1,600 times before and you are saying "For Christ sake, Joe - shit or get off the pot. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I don't blame you.

I will begin seeing a therapist soon. I am looking to gain some strength from that. Work will begin on the house soon. This will alleviate some of the embarassment I feel, even when my own family pops in. Make me feel a little better about myself. I am making other stuff happen in my head and physically to improve my mood.

All I am saying is, give peace a chance. Sorry - a lyrical slip.

All I am saying is, there are pieces in place to give me a fighting chance. I am moving in the right direction. 

Hopefully I won't get hit by a bus.