Oikodomophobia

I have this disease.

Not a disease, really - a phobia.

Oikodomophobia is defined at its most basic level as a fear of tradesmen. The term was coined in 2006 and was specifically targeted for me.

An article published in the Daily Express in 2011 claimed that nearly 5 million men in Britain suffer from oikodomophobia. "Symptoms include nervousness, sweaty palms, difficulty breathing, and sweating, which according to the article is brought about by their lack of knowledge when dealing with builders, electricians and plumbers."

That's me! That's exactly who I am.

Caveat: Apparently the Daily Express is a conservative, right wing publication in England, and the only references I can find refer specifically to British men but, come on, I need this. I need this fear defined as an official phobia - so I accept its authenticity.

I despise dealing with tradespeople, mainly because they ask questions and I don't know shit. My favorite line, used 100 million times in my life, is that if you put a tool in my hands I sweat blood.

I know nothing about tools, building, repairs, materials, approach, measurement - it is an alien world to me that I do not ever wish to visit, or even come close to.

I got to thinking about it today because I got a guy coming to the house this afternnon to look at problems we have in the basement and in the attic - problems that have to be addressed before we sell the house to some poor, unsuspecting rube - hopefully for 100K more than the house is worth.

This guy is going to ask me questions that I have no answer to. (220, 221 - fans of Mr. Mom will understand).

His visit is all I can think about. I have the day off from work, I read pleasantly on a dark, rainy, quiet morning, enjoyed delightful coffee - but evey time my mind swam back up to reality, there it was - the visit from the trades guy. I am obsessing about it and I will until 2 o'clock when he shows up. After he leaves I will obsess about every question I could not answer, and my ego will be deflated. Probably until around 4 o'clock.

I might have to break something to revive my sense of self-worth.

I'm in for a tough stretch while we wrestle this house back to a livable condition. I have already had a few phone conversations that stressed me to the max, after which I had to sit down until the trembling stopped and the sweat ceased to drip off my brow.

There is a local hardware store here in town that I refuse to go into. It's a typical family run operation that has been in town for thousands of years. Everybody knows the owners and employees, and they know all the residents and tradespeople. Everybody goes there. Except me.

I tried. I used to go in there looking for something and they would ask questions. I would freeze up, shake and quake and drool, and walk out utterly defeated. It got to the point that when I walked into the store the first employee that noticed me would point and loudly exclaim "Hey, there's that wimp that doesn't know shit about construction - let's humiliate him until he shits his pants." I was uncomfortable wearing diapers so I stopped going in.

I have avoided it like the plague for decades. If we need something, Carol gets it.

It's a guy thing. If you are a guy - a man - it is automatically assumed that you can talk carpentry. It does no good to say "Well I don't understand what you are asking, but I can write poetry."

I am a creative soul right down to my, well - my soul. That's all I know, that's all I understand, it's all I can do. I hunger to live a life where I only interact with other creative souls, drink premium coffee and top-shelf whiskey, where I never have to be practical - where I only have to be creative and discuss creative pursuits.

No tradesmen, no hardware stores, no tools, no fixing leaky faucets - no answering Mr. Fixit questions.

I am indeed a stranger in a strange land. At least I now have a word for it. My new favorite word, although it sounds more like a word mocking the phobia, than an offical medical term. I am a bit suspicious.

Oikodomophobia.

I'll take what I can get.