My Ticket Out

The fucking guy didn't show.

He didn't fucking show.

He was supposed to be here last Monday but he called and said he was dealing with a disaster in somebody else's house and could we re-schedule. OK, no problem. Life is full of interruptions and complications (stole that line from Love Actually).

He was supposed to be here yesterday at 2:00. I called him at 2:15, he returned the call at 2:30 to tell me that five people called in and he was swamped. Five. If he said two I might have believed him; five? - a bald-faced lie. I blew the asshole off; told him to forget about the whole thing.

I'm gonna be rich. My ship has come in. The world is filled with worry and anxiety; an endless supply. 100% of it is wasted.

Are you kidding me? 100%? I sense opportunity.

I am already assembling a mechanism for converting worry and anxiety into energy. 

I connected a bunch of sprockets and flywheels to an electromagnetic induction device and a brainwave converter and created a Wasted Energy Conversion Device.

Move over Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffet and Richard Branson - there's a new billionaire in town.

All you gotta do is implant a miniature portal into the side of your head, and another on your shoulder, and you are ready to roll. When anxiety cripples you, just connect your head to your shoulder with the special Conversion Cord and wait for the juice to begin. You will feel energy coursing into your body as anxiety abates. Two for the price of one, baby.

Suddenly you will feel like SuperMan. Your life will improve, your lovelife will improve, you'll put money in the bank and self-esteem in your head. 

Yesterday, I wasted 1.21 gigawatts of energy on unrequited anxiety. By the time I realized the jerk was not going to show, I was exhausted. Had to take a 4 hour nap. When I awoke, inspiration struck.

Tomorrow I will give notice at my shitty, little job. By the end of the year I will be the world's newest billionaire.

Success will not change me. Even after I receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

If you genuflect before me I'll toss a $100 bill your way.

I remain always, a man of the people.