Kinda Personal

Feeling kinda personal today.

Thinking. Which is a remarkable thing for me. I don't think a lot. I obsess. I analyze. I dissect. I cringe, I duck, I move, I remain motionless, I fantasize, I dream.

July 27. Summer's Almost Gone (by The Doors)  soundtracking in my head.

Weird summer this year. The job is monopolizing most of my time and all of my energy and emotions. Very little time for rest; very little time for peace of mind or even to pursue peace of mind.

And yet I am strangely plugged in to summer. Driving to and from The Asylum I have been fiercely aware of the sunshine, the warmth, kayaks and smiles, dog walkers and low talkers (non sensical reference but it rhymes; I am driven to rhyme).

Typically I would see a body moving casually down the street, T-shirt and shorts, exuding summer laziness and I would be furious. Especially on a Saturday or a Sunday as I drive to work.

This year I have been able to just take it in as a natural part of this time of year. I don't necessarily want to kill these people. I am framing a summer picture in my mind and getting out of it what I can.

Maybe Keith's wisdom is finally sinking in.

This summer is not what I want it to be, but it is what it is. It is of my creation born of my own decisions. It is all I got in 2013.

2014 might be better. Pretty much has to be better. I sense that I am at some sort of personal breaking point.

This job eviscerates me minute by minute every single day. An acquaintance has provided for me an opportunity to escape into another job. Monday through Friday. No weekends. Paid holidays.

It's a long shot. I haven't even interviewed yet and I'm sure there are 637, 818 applicants.

I know I won't like that job either.

How Many  More Times -  (Led Zeppelin). How many more times will I do this to myself?

My embattled and embittered brain is coyly suggesting that this is the time and the place to take a stand. To go after what I want no matter the price. Now or never, baby.

My mind just keeps working on me. "You are running out of time, Joseph. You can't keep making bad decisions based on money and escape. You are better than this, you know you are better than this, you know you can accomplish something with the natural talent that flows through your veins. Do it. NOW."

Fifty nine and not much time. Goddamn rhyme. And again.

Easier to think this way than to do it. Deadlines and commitments (exactly, Mr. Seeger), prevent one from moving freely about. Step one inch outside of those deadlines and commitments and there is a devil instantaneously there to menace you with a lurid smile.

But that is really irrelevant when you are talking about a life. A life with options. Options that have not been fully explored or come close to being realized.

You gotta make it happen.

Summer is dripping away, the job I have wears death's shroud, the opportunity I have before me is nebulous and unwanted, and the mind, the spirit and the soul are life weary and almost devoid of energy and inspiration.

Yet, somehow, summer is making it's mark. Making it's presence felt. And my mind continues to hope.

Went to a Fishercats game on Thursday night with my oldest son, Keith. A glorious night. We talked all night. Laughed a lot. Couple of ballpark beers and some sinfully and delightfully unhealthy ballpark food.

A stereotypical American summer night that was not stereotypical at all because I was with my son.

It was our night.

Completely comfortable in each other's company. And we witnessed a no hitter, although the bad guys were the architects of that accomplishment.

That was a moment. A summer moment. A life moment.

Although there is no reason for it to be otherwise, I am always amazed and grateful for the comfort I feel in my sons' company. The peace it brings me. The laughter and the escape.

Thursday night I was at peace. Negatives in my brain were compensated for and unexamined that night. Replaced by good baseball, ballpark beer and food, a summer night, fireworks after the game, and the company of my son, effortless and magical.

Once August 1 rolls around, summer begins retreating at warp speed. Maybe my life will change in August. Maybe change will happen to me, maybe I will originate the change.

I have memories of the summer of 2013 so far. Looking into the sun, loving the heat, feeding off of others' leisure, LOUD music fueling me back and forth from work.

One powerfully laid back and easy flowing night with Keith. Mind shatteringly peace providing.

I continue to struggle, but it ain't all bad.