Mortality

Just read a book by Christopher Hitchens called Mortality.

He wrote it after being diagnosed with esophageal cancer in June of 2010. He died eighteen months after the diagnosis. He called this "his time of living dyingly."

My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. The book is written in a straight forward manner detailing the pain and indignities of dealing with cancer without being self pitying. There is a lot of humor in his words. It is spiced with amazing quotes and references and opinions.

I'm sitting here reeling because of just holding the intimate experience of death in my hands, while also realizing it will take me two weeks to sort through all the references from poets and writers and philosophers.

Hitchins was that kind of guy. So damn intelligent, so damn knowledgeable, that whenever you read him he turns you onto to all kinds of fascinating things. And he did not condescend to dumb himself down; he assumed, maybe even challenged his readers to have the intelligence to understand him and/or the ambition and interest to research his references and improve their minds.

He used his mind. He was a thinker. He left behind a million quotes to challenge and inspire you. Contained within the body of a larger quote was the line "Suspect your own motives, and all excuses."

That in my humble opinion is the essence of thinking.

Humans fall into predictable modes of thought, predictable reactions to situations. I know I do. I have been running in circles for decades because of that. Suspecting your own motives and all your excuses is a way to bust out of that rut and maybe arrive at freedom.

Easier said than done. Easier to question others' motives than your own. Because it is hard to be honest with yourself.

Typical Hitchins observation from the book: "My father had died, and very swiftly, too, of cancer of the esophagus. He was seventy-nine. I am sixty-one. In whatever kind of a "race" life may be, I have very abruptly become a finalist."

He disputes the theory of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who said that terminally ill patients progress through stages from denial to rage to bargaining to depression and the eventual bliss of acceptance.

He questions the old cliche that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

"Indeed, it occurs to me that if I didn't have such a stout constitution I might have led a much healthier life thus far." He was a renowned drinker and heavy smoker who is saying that maybe if his body had broken down a little bit earlier on he might have changed his wicked ways.

Interesting perspective.

He was attacked by the religious after he was diagnosed, saying he was being punished by God. His response was, in part, "The vengeful deity has a sadly depleted arsenal if all he can think of is exactly the cancer that my age and former "lifestyle" would suggest that I got."

There were those who prayed for Hitchins even though he was an atheist. He references a quote from Ambrose Bierce in his Devil's Dictionary -  "Prayer: A petition that the laws of nature be suspended in favor of the petitioner; himself confessedly unworthy."

I'm not really getting across where my head is at after reading this book. I'm probably boring you with quotes.

It hit me, I guess, because it was an intimate brush with death, the death of a guy I respected. At the same time it inspired me with so many quotes and references, it got my mind thinking about life and myself, it sparked in me a thought process that could be beneficial if I could learn to suspect my own motives, and all excuses.

It gave me a more intimate acquaintance with the man, it got me thinking about death and disease, it got me thinking about life and evolving. Achieving potential. Thinking and learning.

A pretty good jolt on a Friday morning.