Thursday, August 7, 2014

Am I Really Trying?

THE PATS have their first pre-season game tonight.

Unfortunately I will be sweating blood at The Asylum. Goddamn this job.

But I digress.

I committed to reading up on THE PATS this season, becoming knowledgeable inside and out about all the players and what's going on with the team. I committed to obtaining a deeper understanding of the sport itself so I can communicate more intelligently with my sons, answer my wife's very excellent questions authoritatively, and enjoy the game even more.

I have made some effort, more so than in the past, but am I really trying?

Or am I fooling myself?

The first pre-season game being tonight gives me a sense that I don't know nearly as much as I want to know about this team. Makes me think that I have not put in the effort.

One excuse is the work schedule, of course. Insane and all over the place. Another is that I am desperately trying to radically change my life immediately.

New job, new me.

I am now a professional speech writer. That takes time.

Still I have the nagging feeling that I just have not tried hard enough.

Talking about life as well. You can fool yourself into thinking you are trying when all you really are doing is spinning your wheels.

I'm desperate to change jobs and to inject seriousness into the writing obsession. Applying for this, submitting that.

Am I wasting my time? Could my efforts be better re-directed?

I am 60. I don't have time to waste. Every change must be monumental.

I need to explode into the new me, not leak into the new me.

At some point you would think that a lifetime of experience would come together in clarity. That you would suddenly know exactly what to do and how to do it.

Not so. At least with me. I still feel like I am shooting in the dark.

Seems I never really THROW myself into anything. I need to make that leap. I need to explode upon the scene.

Still, on a micro level I am trying harder than I ever have before. Some solace there.

Anyway, THE PATS play tonight and I am excited about that. My amazing wife had the DVR set to tape the game days ago. She takes very good care of me.

I will get home at 10:00, grab a plate of grub and a beer, collapse into the recliner and watch a replay of THE PATS first 2014 pre-season game. At least part of it. It becomes school-boyish past the 1st quarter.

But I will get my first taste of the year. Which I will savor.

And I am not giving up. Not on THE PATS, not on football, not on the job change and not on me.

That, my friends, is a monumental change.

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