Sarge

I recently wrote that I am in enormous pain.

That comment is true; the pain is in my head. It has always been there. It holds me back, beats me down and compromises everything about me.

But it doesn't mean a goddamn thing.

Sarge, my brother-in-law, underwent a third operation on his brain in his war against cancer, on Wednesday, August 20.

He had a lung removed years ago and handled that like a man. He has had two operations on his brain since and handled those like a man.

This one was tougher. We spoke to Kevin, our nephew, on the day after the operation. The news was negative. So much so that Corey, Sarge's incredible wife, was told to think about "making preparations."

These people don't know Sarge. If they did they would not have been so thoughtless towards Corey.

The next day's update was no better. He was angry, didn't know where he was, and was having some physical problems.

On the third day Kevin called and said "Sarge wants to say hi." Sarge got on the phone and said "Howdy Doody." In his upbeat, confidant, humorous way. We asked him how he was doing and he said "I'm doing all right."

Tears were rolling down my cheeks. Carol carried on the conversation because she is stronger than me.

The tears were prompted by happiness. They also happened because my brain immediately went back to my "I am in enormous pain" comment.

Nothing I am going through can compare to what Sarge has been going through for years.

I am beginning to panic. Staggering towards September, same job, no improvement in my brain, sixty one staring me down.

Big fucking deal.

Looking for inspiration.

Could not do better than Sarge, could I?

I have been summoning Sarge in my brain since last Wednesday as much as I can when my brain malfunctions my life. I have not been entirely successful because I am a slow learner.

But I am trying and it does help.

When the world has somebody like Sarge in it making it better, it does not need somebody like me in it making it worse.

I re-read my writing from January 1 and 2 of this year to try to get back to ground zero. A lot of it dealt with what I have been told is my negativity.

Which indeed, upon further reflection, is exactly what it is.

Negativity.

Not helpful.

Sarge has been a positive guy for as long as I have known him, which is about 38 years. He remains positive even as he fights for his life.

He has always been in my head as somebody to emulate. Always.

Even more so now.

I am still not sure how to deal with who I am, but I do know that I need to hold my tongue more.

I do know that I need to be more positive because I have some amazing people in my life.

People I need to appreciate more, people I can learn from, people who can make my soul smile.

Like Sarge.

Negativity blocks things out; positivity allows things in.

I am laying down some facts.

I'll see what happens from here.