Pet Love Is Easy

I draw enormous solace from the love I give to my pets and the love I get in return.

Yesterday I was digging Maka, thinking about how pure and honest this love is, and I began to wonder if it is an indulgence or an escape.

Pet love is satisfying because it is easy. It is pure.

It is a lot harder to love another human being. To truly love them every day in every way.

When I am home I give love to my pets every moment that they want it. And sometimes when they are not even looking for it.

If I am heading upstairs with a cup of coffee in one hand and a notebook in the other, and one of the cats rubs up against my leg, I will put the coffee and the notebook down on the table and stoop to pat them.

I do this because I feel it is cruel to ignore their quest for affection. And because it makes me feel good. Their lives are simple and all they really want is love. If I ignored their attention I would be denying something very basic inside of them.

I came home from work one night last week enormously angry. I grabbed a little whiskey (as my doctor has advised me to do) and began a rage. Yelling, fuming, banging on the kitchen counter, banging on the arms of the recliner.

A ridiculous show.

I didn't notice, but I imagine the cats disappeared. Upstairs or out on the porch.

The next day it was business as usual. The cats rubbing up against my legs, me patting them and kissing them on the head.

But I left a scar on Carol's soul.

Another one.

I don't know if I scarred Maka's soul and Lakota's soul.

But loving them the next day was easy. There was no reproachment in their eyes.

I made up my mind not to apologize to Carol for my immature display. I felt justified in the show because I am so torturously unhappy. I counted on her understanding this.

Besides, if I apologized for every ridiculous outburst in my life, I would have a three word vocabulary.

"I am sorry."

Hunter S. Thompson had a credo. "Never apologize, never explain."

I like that. I think it is a good way to live a life.

My interpretation is that we are all human and prone to continuous and sometimes enormous mistakes.

Why apologize?

It is a natural state of being.

Still, what was that? What was that decision not to apologize to Carol?

Was that some bastardized form of love? Or was it non-love? Anti-love?

How many times and in how many ways can I explain/justify my behavior?

(Note to self: Deal with your problems).

Christ, I am a word guy. I could find a different way to apologize every day for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I just rode it out. It was uncomfortable the next day between us, but eventually returned to "normal."

There was no discomfort between me and the cats the next day.

I should have found a way to heat up some love for Carol, to soothe her in some way that tapped into the spirit of this 36 year marriage.

Pet love is easy. Human love is hard.

Human love is work, just like anything good in life is work.

With the proper effort, I imagine human love could be "the answer."

Always a work in progress.

We'll see.