David Letterman put together a personal tribute to Robin Williams on The Late Show Monday night.
He was not overly sentimental, as is his way. The emotion was there in his face for all to see; the sadness and sense of loss. The way he went about speaking his heart had a slight detachment to it. He does not get weepy sentimental. He does it like a pro.
Still he conveys deep emotion. And he makes you laugh as he does it. You are simultaneously experiencing your own sense of loss, getting a feel for his sense of loss and yet he makes you laugh in his low key, self deprecating way.
There were many clips of Williams on the show, all of them involving laughter. Gut busting, let it all hang out, soul revealing laughter. Letterman and Williams laughing together.
Letterman knew Robin Williams for 38 years. They clawed their way into the business together along with a lot of big names. Letterman said the other comics used to sit back and watch Robin Williams and know they were seeing someone unique. So unique they felt threatened. Like "how the hell are we going to make it with this guy as competition?"
Letterman ended the tribute by saying "I am sorry I had no idea, like everybody else, that the man was in pain, that the man was suffering."
I watched it last night in tears, I just watched it again in tears.
It is surprising to some that enormous pain can be so well hidden.
Not to me. I always felt that Robin Williams was a tortured performer. I think it was the source of his brilliance and the trigger for his death.
I saw it in his eyes, in his facial expressions, in his performances, in his gentleness, in his vulnerability. It was there always, for me.
There are untold numbers of people who walk through life in enormous pain. Some cross the line into insanity, unable to function within society at all. The majority barely make it through, hanging on day to day through sheer will.
But that is not living.
I am in enormous pain. There is no one on this planet who knows the extent of it. I am the only one who can know that because I am the only one experiencing the raw emotion. There are plenty who would agree that I have problems, that my mind is twisted, plenty who would agree that I really need to change my perceptions.
Not one other person on this planet knows the depth of it.
My current job is quite busy amping up the pain. People have all kinds of advice explaining to me how I can better deal with this situation. Pointless advice because only I know that there is no adjustment I could make that could kill the pain of this job. Nothing I can do, no where I can go except outside this organization.
They mean well.
It is not just the job. There are other sources for this pain.
I am not alone. There are millions just like me who are living right on the edge. I am not talking suicide, I am talking about walking the fine line between functioning as society requires and crossing the line into irrational decisions.
At least irrational decisions as perceived by those who consider themselves "normal."
People whine about petty things all the time. Those in enormous pain seem to be able to hide it.
Ironic, no?
This ain't about me. It is just that David Letterman's sorrow at not recognizing Robin Williams' pain struck a chord with me.
I know it struck a chord with millions of others.
This condition has existed since the dawn of humanity. It has produced exquisite poetry, novels, movies, music, dance and more.
I think we have perfected the frustration of existence in the 21st century. I can't imagine it getting any less soulful, any more heart breaking.
But it will.
I realized on an even deeper level last night and today how much Robin Williams' death affected me.
I think it will be the source of ever deepening sorrow as time rolls on.
I am glad though, for him, that he could be successful, that he could achieve fame. Most importantly, that he could make people laugh.
It is an enormous accomplishment for a man in that much pain to put it aside and help others to forget theirs.
Rest in Peace Robin Williams.
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