The Brain Is Rocking And Reeling

Feel like I got spit out of the mouth of the whale into today.

It has been brutal. For me, anyway.

Been acting as pseudo-manager for over a week now with what amounts to almost a completely new staff. Three people who are brand new and know nothing about the business. Plus one who came from another store and is excellent but has to learn the climate, the rhythm and the procedures of this store.

Four people firing questions at me endlessly.

I have reflected endlessly on why this job is more painful for me than the prison term I spent as an accountant. Over twenty years.

I got breaks as an accountant. There were times every day when I could sit in my cubicle in a corner in front of the computer in silence. Adding numbers up; writing them down.

Ultimately in my life I want to be left alone. Other than my family I don't ever want to deal with another human being.

Those quiet moments in the corner kept me from kicking down cubicle walls.

That kind of quiet does not exist in retail. Especially when you are an assistant manager. The fact that I despise answering questions and telling people what to do complicates the situation since that is exactly what the job requires.

Another brilliant career decision.

So the past week has been pure torture for me. No more than your job tortures you. My point here is not to prove that my suffering trumps your suffering or that you can't possibly be as miserable as me.

Everybody hates their job. Everybody suffers. I am trying to express and assess what the hell is going on in my head.

That's all.

Yesterday summed the whole week up brilliantly. I was dying to get to today. I slipped through to early afternoon in relative quiet.

Then the nuclear bomb went off.

We got a late delivery. My plan was to help two newcomers check it in because they are raw in experience and mistakes complicate things. I was called out front and never made it back.

A licensee picked up a huge order, I started to check her out because  I had a newcomer on the other register. A bootlegger came in simultaneously; another huge order that only I could handle. A guy walked in at the same time, wanted to return some stuff and buy some stuff. Another transaction the new guy couldn't handle. A guy showed up from the surveillance camera company to reboot our camera system. Another licensee came in.

And the credit card system crashed. Across the state. Every store.

Suddenly I was explaining to pissed off customers that we could only process cash transactions, answering questions from the newcomer on the register, answering questions from the camera surveillance guy, answering questions from the newcomers outback who were forced to check the load in unaided, answering incredibly stupid questions from customers like "when will the system be back up" and "can't you do anything", answering the phone and taking orders because nobody else could do it and running up to the office to check E-mails regarding the status of the credit card system crash.

It was brutal. For me, anyway.

I am moving slowly today. Very slowly. Taking deep breaths. Thinking, deeply.

It is a beautiful day and I am determined to enjoy it if it kills me.

Yesterday was a knockout punch putting an exclamation point on a week that poured acid on my nerves.

Tomorrow is coming. Work.

I don't know what to do.