Meltdown #2 Redux

Of course when I step back a bit and examine these explosions dispassionately they become fascinating.

It is an amazing thing for a human to be pushed to the breaking point. Beyond the point where they can control their anger, their frustration, their depression, their sense of emptiness to the point where they lash out.

Spontaneously. Furiously. With no inherent ability to stop the explosion.

It is amazing that when a human gets to that point - consumed with anger - it is amazing they don't just die. Your body and your mind are dealing with much more than they can handle. You would think you would just flame out. Drop down, roll over and die.

But we humans are bred to suffer.

What I have noticed when these things happen to me is I enter a new zone of existence. Like riding the high of an unknown drug. I go to a place that can only be visited through pure rage mixed with a sense of being overwhelmed.

A high octane cocktail of massive frustration.

After I kicked the boxes, punched the steel cabinet and loudly expressed my true feelings about this hideous job, I had to go back down and deal with the customer. You would think I would be embarrassed.

I was not. I felt nothing.

I was cold and focused. My peripheral vision was gone. All I could see was this guy in front of me and the paper I had to consult. I had no sense that there was anybody else in the store.

He stood in front of me quite uncomfortably and that made me feel good. Because prior to the explosion he was getting pissed. He had been vocal about it and his body language was louder than words.

I heard nothing else but our conversation and I controlled it with an intense, focused, quiet anger.

I was in a singular place, a place detached from reality, except it was my reality. My reality disconnected from what others falsely represent as reality. I was feeling the truth, I was exuding the truth. I had crossed over from playtime to soul-deep, laser-focused, pure existence

I knew in my heart that if that customer said one angry thing to me I would have told him to go fuck himself. Or punched him right in the face.

He felt it too because he was quite polite through the rest of the transaction.

What is that place? Where is that place?

Is that where I should be living? Is that where I should be spending my time?

My experiences are not unique. They cannot be.

99% of the population on this planet are hideously disappointed by life and gravely afraid of death.

We hide the pain behind meaningless phrases that society has deemed acceptable.

Empty words like "Suck it up." Or foolish platitudes like when someone asks you how you are doing and you say "living the dream." When you really mean living the nightmare.

Or empty performances like when you ask someone how they are doing and in a way over the top volume they say "Great."

None of these lies fool anyone.

Emotional explosions probably outnumber breaths drawn every day on this planet.

What do you do about it? That is the magical question.

You cannot continue to exist in an intensity of life-hatred that breaks your brain. Eventually something has to give.

Even though humans are bred to suffer.

Drugs and alcohol will see you through for a while, but everything exacts a price.

It is my tendency to voice my opinion on these situations. To try to offer up solutions.

But the truth is I am not that smart. Not even close.

The truth is there are no universal truths to being a human. We are so twisted, so hurt, so disappointed and so afraid that every human being is a powder keg. Set to detonate whenever life overwhelms to the point of suffocation.

The best you can do is to approach every human contact like a heavy weight boxer and be prepared to duck at the slightest provocation.