Wednesday, July 20, 2016

OK - Now I Get It (No I Don't)

Woke up this morning to a lawn covered in six inches of snow.

Put on my heavy duty PATS sweatshirt, sweatpants and walked downstairs to a frigid and unforgiving environment.

I am not feeling inspired and motivated today - I am feeling cold.

I have this thing hanging on the wall in my kitchen called a calendar. I got right up close to it and checked the date.

July 20. It says July 20.

When I was a child I was told that July is a hot month in New England. Apparently I was lied to.

I resent that.

This global cooling thing is pissing me off. How can republicans not believe in global cooling?

Oh yeah, I forgot - they don't believe in science, they do believe in God, they don't believe that women should have complete control of their own bodies, they don't believe that the only thing that matters between two people is love (because they are not aware of an emotion defined as love).

Sorry - I digress. Those are all topics for another time and place.

But wait - I just ran down to The Big Ride to throw some paperwork on the seat so I won't forget it when I leave. I am senile you know.

It is 1,000 degrees warmer outside this house than it is inside. I encountered three different temperate zones as I ran down to the car.

Inside the house it is minus 44 degrees. On the porch it is 62 degrees. Outside it is 108 degrees.

I am thoroughly baffled now. Don't know what to do. Don't know what to expect.

Exactly what reality is this?

Christ I am too old to try to figure all this out. I'll just decide to be happy on those days my body tells me to be happy.

As for the rest of my time - I will be a gnarled old, miserable wretch of a man who spits at nuns, curses little babies and drinks whiskey with his omelets.

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