Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Retail Is The Devil

Rob Zombie is my horror hero.

The man knows how to make horror movies. At least in a way that I find appealing.

Have you seen "House of 1000 Corpses"? "The Devil's Rejects"? Devil's Rejects is quite possibly my favorite, "makes me uncomfortable" horror movie.

If you have not seen these movies, pour yourself a shot, smoke yourself a joint, dial 'em up, turn down the lights, and lose yourself in horror.

Or, more prudently, watch them with a bible in your lap.

I don't know how to describe what he does technically, but he films them differently than other people do, and the tone is so heavily evil it feels like you are being covered in a shroud as you watch,

The characters are evil to the bone; they shock you and blow your mind. You sit there amazed at the level of viciousness and callousness they project.

Had me a shitty day in retail yesterday. Drove home screaming mad in need of bloodshed.

When I have days like that I imagine death all along my route as I commute.

Innocent bystanders being decapitated by the scythe stuck out my window as I drive by; old ladies being crushed up against brick walls as I drive up over the curb; loud mouthed scum buckets having their throats slashed with a rusty blade; shallow people drowning in three inches of burning motor oil.

Retail is the devil.

It rips you apart and feasts on your raw liver. You are forced to be subservient, no matter how hard you fight back.

I have been fighting back hard lately.

If somebody gives me attitude I give it right back. In these circumstances I have evolved beyond the point of flashing the phony smile and swallowing my pride. Instead, I focus my anger and dial up the intensity to 11.

To the point where sometimes the customer will look up from their purchases at me in surprise.

I like that. I like it a lot.

If my day in retail has been bad enough, when it ends, my nerves are frayed and my patience is dead.

On days like that, like yesterday, I require the release of vicious violence and non stop bloodshed to soothe my soul. I have no choice. I gotta have it.

Haven't been drinking much whiskey lately but I stopped to buy myself a ridiculously cheap bottle of bourbon. Somehow that seemed appropriate.

Cheap bourbon and murder go together like peanut butter and chocolate. Plus I knew I would have to medicate myself just to get back to a point where I could at least approximate the feeling of being human.

I also picked up a decidedly unhealthy pizza. Pepperoni, bacon and onion. This also seemed appropriate.

When I got home I dialed up a remake of the movie "Halloween." Directed by Rob Zombie.

Fucking perfect.

There was so much bloodshed I had to wipe myself down with paper towels. There was so much evil I had to perform a personal inventory to make sure my soul had survived.

I am hoping for a better day today.

But if not, I learned a trick or two from the movie last night.

My motto is not "the customer is always right".

My motto is "the customer better fucking beware".

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