Honesty Is Such A Lonely Word

I have been honest lately.

It hasn't gone over well.

Carol retires on June 30. I do not.

I am the one who convinced her that - since we both can't retire - she should be the one. And I meant it. Still do.

She deserves it. She has been through hell since 2017. Fucking HELL. It makes sense. I only work 2 and 1/2 days a week. Kind of like a mini-retirement (not really).

And to take a bit of a deep dive, she deserves to be happy - I do not. Not yet, anyway. She has given everything to the life she has lived. I have shirked off a bit.

I want her to be happy. I want her to experience true peace.

But I am a human being, all evidence to the contrary. It will be hard for me to go down into the coal mine 3 days a week, especially on Thursday and Friday - knowing that Carol will spend her days eating bon bons and sipping aperitifs.

There is no bitterness in these words. I am merely stating a fact. If the roles were reversed it would be hard for Carol. In fact, when I "semi-retired" in 2016 she occasionally slipped up and allowed bitter words to escape her lips.

We are only human.

I have tried to mask my feelings in humor, telling people I am not sure I'm mature enough to handle the situation as an adult. If the past is precursor to the future..........................

Again, I am making light.

However I have gotten backlash from some when I utter any doubt about our future roles. My future role to be precise. As if I am attacking Carol or I am not happy for her.

Absolute fucking bullshit.

"I will be the best man I possibly can." Duane Allman. These are the words I try to live by, the words that haunt me.

This will be a marvelous test of my resolve, beginning on July 1. A 5:30 a.m. day to boot. The perfect set up.

I'll do my best.

I guess the lesson learned is that there are some situations in life when honesty is not the best policy. I am a little raw lately given the magnitude of recent events. I think I have been more honest than usual, although that's a tough measurement to take because I am so good at fooling myself.

Or am I?

This is one of those life situations. A rock solid test. Can I rise to the occasion? Be a better man? Substitute Carol's happiness for my own?

I actually think I can. And if I succeed I will have flexed another muscle in my arsenal.

If I fail I will take down all the mirrors in the house and open up a bitter dialogue with the Devil.