Dumping On The Shrink

I got real honest with my therapist on Thursday.

I have had the nagging feeling that we were making only superficial progress, only because I never really opened up about the maggots eating my brain.

I have talked about my life in depth, about my entire family history in depth, about self-doubt, about mistakes and bad decisions, and the unsatisfying life that resulted.

But I was not honest about exactly how fucked up I am.

My brain has been roiling since Carol went on vacation. I have been putting my underwear on backwards and getting lost traveling home from work.

Unsettled is a good description. So I decided to really open up and reveal how crushing my insanity can be.

I described The Awakening when Carol was away, and the subsequent perfect inability to function since then. How I can't make decisions, how I am paralyzed about what exactly I should do and how to go about it, how I got a good look at myself, a good feel at myself, and how I have no fucking clue how to get back there - which I really, really, really fucking need to do.

My therapist now knows exactly what she is dealing with.

It was cathartic. And beneficial. She really dug in and we had one hell of a talk.

Previously, we had started to go down the path of cognitive behavioral therapy. This made me wary because I discovered CBT on my own many years ago. At first it seemed to make sense, to be in sync with the twisted psyche I call my own.

But you have to do exercises. You have to use a workbook and write shit down. That doesn't work for me. I am not a workbook guy, I am a talking guy.

She sent me pages to do exercises on about a month ago. Of course I didn't use them. Then came The Awakening.

After our talk on Thursday she said "Maybe CBT is not the way to go with you."

That's called progress. She has a more accurate feel for what is choking up my brain, and I feel better about being completely honest. Otherwise, what's the fucking point?

This will get more interesting from here on out.

By the way, I called her "shrink" in the title. That was only to get your attention. I have great respect for her, we have had many good conversations. My favorite moments are when she asks "May I be blunt?"

I am fascinated with the relationship you can build up with a total stranger. We have come a long way in a short time. Now that I have opened the door wide, maybe she can reach deep into the recesses of my deranged psyche and poke and probe, and remove the diseased shit with surgical precision.

Leaving behind only me.