The Only One Who Can Fuck This Up Is Me

Craig & Amanda's wedding.

I mean fuck it up for me, not them. I would never get in the way of their joy, their fun, their love, their marriage. I imagine they will have a spectacular day.

I am the Father of the Groom. I am already nervous. Self-conscious. Worried. Worried that I will allow my phobias and insecurities, and my tendency towards being a psychopath and a neurotic, sabotage the natural fun factor of a wedding.

I just picked up my suit and I don't like the way I look in it. Not at all. I look fat. No hiding the truth. This is weighing on my mind. I imagine some will think and maybe even say, "Jesus, Joe got FAT - he's fucking enormous." But the wedding is not about me; it doesn't matter what I look like. I have to get that shit out of my mind.

I want to have fun at the wedding. Pure and simple. Unadulterated, pure Joe-fun. I need Old Joe to make an appearance.

Old Joe was uninhibited - in a bar, on a dance floor, at a party - anywhere fun was to be had Old Joe had fun. People liked to be around me. Now they say "Jesus Christ, the Marquis de Sade was more laughs than you are."

Somehow over the decades I have become closed in psychologically, kind of like living in an Iron Maiden. Permanently.

I have shut down spontaneity, I rarely laugh, I never cut loose, I remain closely guarded at all times. It's quite suffocating. I am strangling the shit out of my Chi.

Tangential point: Dr. Feelgood was quizzing me yesterday before The Shot. What have you been up to, what do you do for fun, are you traveling, what do you do? I think he was assessing my state of mind.

And it hit me hard - I am fucking boring. My life is fucking boring. The only thing I could come up with was "I read." Are you fucking kidding me? How did this happen?

So yeah, the wedding is not about me - it has nothing to do with me. It is Craig & Amanda's magical, mystical day, and I know they will make the most of it.

I need to follow their lead. I want to dance (badly), I want to laugh freely, I want to feel and be loose. I want to enjoy my family deeply and honestly, free of any distractions. A wedding is a naturally fun atmosphere.

I want to have fun naturally. Like Old Joe used to do.

I need this day like medicine. I need to feel completely free, I need to feel completely me. I need a fucking break.

My choice - a fantastic, fun, laugh-filled day celebrating and enjoying the sheer, natural beauty of my family effortlessly

                                                                              OR

One more deep dive into the twisted, dark, ooze of my battered psyche.

A lot hangs in the balance.