I Did It Again

I turned magic into mud.

Had the entire extended nuclear family here for dinner last Sunday. A rare event indeed. Everyone had a good time (I assume). But I have a remarkable capacity to take a delicate and precious gift and smash it against the wall.

I had a good time, I had a very good time, but not at the intensity I should have experienced. My family is the only happiness I have and it is powerful. The rest of my life sucks, so the family gatherings carry deep meaning for me. 

As The Dad-Person, I feel my presence should be larger than life. But when all are gathered around me, I shrivel up into half-man; a small percentage of my true personality is on display - the rest is buried under anxiety. Nothing I say is natural, nothing I do is natural. I feel like all eyes are upon me every single second of the visit. Pretty ridiculous, eh?

My brother is quick-witted and hilarious; he keeps the atmosphere fun and light. He makes everybody laugh. I appreciate that, but I feel like I am contributing nothing to the festivities, by way of comparison.

My Uncle Carmen was hilarious, my father was intense. I do not want anyone seeing my brother and me in the same way. I am not a serious person. But I fear it doesn't come across.

You have heard all this before so feel free to tune out. It's just that 2023 is kicking me around pretty good, and I am determined to get happy and proud, so failing to "just be myself" last Sunday destroyed me. Repercussions persist.

I have asthma. I have an emergency inhaler, which I hardly ever use. If I use it 12 times a year I'd be surprised. I used it three times on Sunday. Once before the family showed up, once right after they left, and again just before I went to sleep. "Strong emotions and stress are well known triggers of asthma" -  Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America. Say no more, say no more.

Full disclosure - I also vacuumed a bit that day.

The root of all this anxiety, of course, is that I don't know who I am. I have spent so many years pretending, that the real me only comes out at night. In the dark. In my mind. And I am not really sure it is the real me. It's all so confusing that I sometimes suspect that the persona I put out there every day, the confidant insane guy, is the real me.

But that's not possible, is it? Is it possible to have it all backwards? I mean the voice in my head at night, that's gotta be the real me. Right?

I don't know. But I do know that sabotaging my ability to enjoy my family is the stupidest, most harmful thing I can do.

So.....................back to the quest for a therapist to fix my brain. But I have specific expectations this time around. Gotta be an ex-Marine with zero patience, an iron will, no tolerance for touchy-feely shit, and a fondness for cattle prods.

Time to get serious, Bubba.