Frankenstein

Holy shit, mon - did the overnight Sleep Center, sleep apnea evaluation Tuesday night.

How bizarre, how bizarre.

Hooked up to sensors like Frankenstein on the table. One on top of my head, one on the back of my head, one behind each ear, two on each cheek, two on the left lower side of my back, two on the right lower side of my back, two on each leg, an oxygen thingy up my nose and an oxygem sensor clamped on a finger. A seatbelt kind of thing wrapped around my waist and down from my shoulder to keep all the goddamn wires from asphyxiating me.

I was wired for sound, baby.

I didn't think I could sleep like that.............but I did. Thankfully I am permanently exhausted. I woke up 3 or 4 times, but technically it qualifed as sleep.

The room was not luxurious as I had hoped. No complimentary champagne or chocolate, no porn or hookers, the room and the bathroom were sparse, but the bed was more comfortable than my own. And we paid $150,000 for our mattress.

I reported for duty at 8:15 pm. My plan was to watch the Bruins and then go under. But the sleep tech wired me up immediately, then said I could sit around for a while before she plugged me in  to The Machine. Seemed kind of stupid to me; I had a thousand wires hanging off of my body. And I was yawning already. So I skipped the Bruins and was in bed by 9:00.

Sleep was weird. Weird dreams too. One dream involved Hunter S. Thompson, another starred a dolphin and a whale. Not kidding.

The intercom system is slick. I say "Hello" and the tech responds immediately. Woke up at 3:50 am, had to go to the bathroom. They expect this. The wires all run in to a handheld box which gets plugged into The Machine. So it's easier than you think to get to the bathroom. 

Except you have a thousand wires hanging off your body, and you have to hold the handheld console. Of course there is nowhere and no way to put the fucking thing down. Apparently shelf space is at a premium in sleep centers. So you're doing everything one-handed and praying you don't short-circuit the wires.

I walked out of the bathroom and asked if she had all the readings she needed. They need 6 hours, they had 6 and 1/2. She said yup, I said "I'm out of here." On the road at 4:15 am.

I asked if anything weird happened. She said I gave her plenty to talk to the Doc about, but wouldn't give me any details. I woke up choking during the dolphin and the whale dream and was a bit freaked out. That's all I remember.

I love driving at 4 in the morning. Strange time of day. It's dark. No one's around. I feel safe. 

The heartless fucking banker is not gonna call to tell me he's foreclosing on my house, the bossman is not gonna ask me to cover someone else's ass, Dr. Feelgood is not gonna tell me I have Stage V cancer and I am effectively already dead.

So that's my story. It wasn't a stressful night but it was a very weird night. Felt good to walk into the house at 5 am (after cruising through Dunkin' Donuts) and get enthusiastically greeted by Emmy Lou and Patsy, who were so very happy to see me. Got comfortable, settled into The Recliner with coffee and a donut, a book, and Emmy Lou, and contemplated the disorienting weirdness of aging.

I would have talked to Carol about it, but she was still in bed. 

She is extraordinarily lazy.